Mémoire || Antoine Griezmann

THE HEALING

❝ loving you

was the becoming

of myself ❞

– page 174, "milk and honey", rupi kaur

~~~~~

Salut, Antoine.

It's me, Mia.

It's been a year since I last opened this journal, which means it's been approximately 2 years since the accident. 2 years since I first wrote about my agony here in this book. Time flies awfully fast, huh?

I guess I should be proud of myself for not having to confide to this book for the last 12 months. I know for a fact that you're going to be proud of me for no longer moping around and hating myself for what happened to you 2 years ago. So, essentially, I should just do what you'd want me to do for the sake of both of us.

Before I landed on this page, I managed to take some of my time to go through the past entries that I wrote. It was such a dark time for me, Antoine. At one point, I was so atrociously mad at the universe for letting you be in the accident instead of me. I had wished so badly that it was me who had lost my memory, not you. 

I guess life has a funny way of sneaking up on you, huh?

Throughout writing those diary entries, I kept on inquiring myself the same question over and over again; what lesson is life trying to teach me from all this mishap? To be patient when engulfed by a dark period of time? To have more faith in your counterpart so the same mistake wouldn't happen again?

I don't think it had taught me how to be patient, Antoine. I was a fucking wreck for one whole year. I had not a single inch of perseverance in me throughout those 12 dreadful months, for fuck's sake! I'd rather have you leave stains from your boots all over our shared apartment in order for life to teach me about patience. Definitely not from all of this.

And to have faith in you so the same mistake wouldn't happen again? Yeah, better scratch that one out. I've never had trouble trusting you with all my heart, Antoine. I honestly don't know what got into me that night – jealously had honestly taken me away from my better judgment. Seeing pictures of you walking out of a café with a renowned Spanish model isn't exactly something I'd like to wake up to on the day of our 2nd year anniversary.

You see, even if I had learned my lesson, I still couldn't put it to use in our relationship. It's been 2 years, and you still have no idea who I am. You are still absolutely clueless to the memories that we used to share together.

Alas, I came up with the conclusion that maybe the universe has always had a twisted sense of humor and decided that the accident would be a way to tell us that we were never destined for each other. I kinda hate myself for saying that, but that's the only rational thing that I could come up with. 

You seem better off without me, Antoine. You managed to go through your recovery process smoothly without the help of my presence. Your football career has also shot up in the course of a year and I couldn't be more proud. Your ever so bright smile has been gracing your face every day in these past 12 months. Last but not least, you managed to find a girl who's willing to give you endless support in life and who's undeniably so much better than me.

I was told that her name is Erika Choperena. She's beautiful, Antoine. The both of you look absolutely adorable together.

Knowing that I was no longer needed around, I decided to come back to Dortmund and carry on with my life as if nothing was weighing upon my shoulders. That was unmistakably wrong, knowing damn well that I was trying to mend a broken heart at that time. Trust me, I totally support your relationship with Erika, but the pain in my chest was so hardheaded about taking over my mind and body.

However, somewhere in the middle of suffering the pain, I managed to find an unexpected distraction. That same distraction was also the reason why I have managed to not write in this journal for one whole year, Antoine.

I met a guy.

His name's Mikel. Mikel Merino.

Surprisingly, he's also a football player. He recently moved from Spain to Germany due to being signed by Borussia Dortmund. Yeah, that famous football club that resides in my hometown. The same club that's renowned for their enthusiastic and passionate fans, one of those supporters being my charming big brother.

You and Luca have always been so close to each other. You guys have always had the same interest in things (except maybe the fact that you root for different football clubs). Therefore, knowing that Luca has somewhat approved of my relationship with Mikel made me realize that maybe you'd also approve of him too.

I get these awfully disturbing butterflies in my stomach when he's around, Antoine. The same ones that'd invade my gut whenever you came home all sweaty from training.

I also like to tease him for his bushy eyebrows just to get this adorable pouty face from Mikel in return. I used to do this to you with your mustache, and you'd constantly throw pillows at me as a token of revenge before bursting out into a fit of laughter.

Lastly, I couldn't help but realize how he always manages to successfully take my mind off you. 

Don't get me wrong, loving you was the best thing that could ever happen to me. Loving you was essentially the becoming of me, as a famous poet would say, and I'll never regret spending 2 years of my life with you.

But I guess it's time to move on from these feeling, yeah? If you were to move on from me, I think it's only fair that I get the chance of moving on from you as well.

I'll never hold a grudge against you for not remembering me, Antoine. If anything, I actually deserve it for causing the accident in the first place. I know I've told you once that I've forgiven myself, but the thought still lingers. It's still embedded in my head like a little kid clutching onto his precious cotton candy.

All that's left to say is my sincerest gratitude. Thank you for taking care of me throughout the 2 years of our profound relationship. Thank you for showering me with an endless amount of love and affection whenever I felt like I wasn't worthy enough for this world. Thank you for sticking up to me whenever I felt like everyone was going against me. Thank you for giving me the best 2 years of my life so far.

This is where I supposedly draw the line, Antoine. I promised myself to stop basking myself in the idea of you because that'd be unfair for both Mikel and I. Heck, it'd be unfair to you and Erika too!

So, once again, I wish you nothing but the absolute best in life. I also hope Mikel and I could achieve what you've achieved with Erika, Antoine. For once, I'm actually looking forward to what the future has in store for me.

Sincerely,
Mia.

~~~~~

A/N: It's not fully over yet, folks! The epilogue is coming your way after this chapter.