You Found Me (Warrior)

19. Who I've Become

{Danielle}

When I think of Tommy, I'm reminded of a time in my life when I was good and innocent and pure. A time when life was easy. Well as easy as it could be for a kid back then. But it was also through him and his family that I saw a lot of crappy shit, but I learned that life could be horrible and wonderful all at the same time.

Not saying goodbye to him that morning he left for the Marines, broke my heart again and again every time I thought about it. I promised myself I would never make a choice like that again. Something I would live to regret. Life was too short anyway.

When I found out he was home again, I thought I could get everything back. I thought I could get me back. The me that was smart and brave and strong. The only me I ever actually liked. I thought I could cure myself of the guilt I was holding onto for not saying goodbye to him. The guilt I was holding onto for not becoming a woman that my best friend Tommy could be proud of. For becoming someone he would hate to see.

Where was that girl now? That girl wouldn't take shit from anyone. That girl wouldn't be where I am now.

I don't know where she was, but she wasn't here now.

"You hungry?" Luca asked me a moment later, taking a deep breath.

"No," I told him, defiantly. I couldn't exactly tell if I was hungry. I felt fear and I felt anger. Mostly at Luca, but also at myself for chasing Tommy away when I needed him the most.

Then I ignored it all, and tried to concentrate on my stomach. I was hungry. Ravenous, in fact. It hurt. Like the emptiness was burning a whole in my stomach. But I would never tell Luca that. There were a lot worse things that could happen to me besides being hungry. Anyway, I shouldn't need permission to eat in my own house.

"You sure?" He asked with a twisted smile on his face. Like he knew I was lying. I was just waiting for the right moment when he was distracted so I could make a run for it. He went over the fridge.

"You must be. You never had breakfast. What do you want?" He asked.

"I'm not hungry," I said trying to keep calm, but my heart was racing. I could feel all the adrenaline I so badly needed to use.

"Well," he said peering inside to fridge door. "I think I'll have bacon and eggs...and maybe pancakes. Do you have bacon, Dani? I know you like the turkey bacon stuff."

I didn't answer. I watched him prepare. Meanwhile I kept eyeing the front door. It was about 35 steps away. 10 maybe if I ran. I didn't think trying to run while he was cooking was a good idea. Not unless I wanted hot oil to the face.

When Luca was done, he put a plate in front of me.

"Here you go," he said.

"I said I wasn't hungry," I told him, turning away from it.

"I know, but I made your favourite... Here." He cut up a piece for me to eat. "You used to love my pancakes," he added.

I didn't want to be reminded.

Luca talked a lot. Way more than Tommy ever did since he came back into my life. But Luca was nothing like Tommy. The difference between them was unsettling. Like night and day really. Luca was worldly, charming,sociable. I could bring him around my friends and family and not have to worry. He could handle himself.

Then there was Tommy. He was intense, a little impulsive, a bit of a recluse. A wild card at times.

Sometimes when he was upset, it was as if I could feel the heat radiating from his body...Hear the breath in his lungs...feel his blood pumping. He was so beautiful. Even when he was upset with me.