BEASTLY

xiii. this is halloween

Mitch Grassi

I took Avi's advice and decided to go out for Halloween. It couldn't have been terrible, considering the way I dress would be appropriate. And, well, no one can recognize me with this hideous face. So it might be my only chance for outdoor freedom, that is, with other people. I spent some time browsing Facebook to see who was throwing a party from the theater department. Lo and behold, Joshua Pemberton had a party happening at his house tonight. I'm pretty sure he got the role of Judge Turpin in the musical that I was supposed to be in.

I hadn't thought much about Sweeney Todd in awhile. I didn't let it get to me that bad at first, but the more I found myself thinking about it, the more disappointed I was. I had earned that role, and I was actually looking forward to it. There's something becoming about taking on an actor role. It's your chance to embody another person's feelings, wants and needs. You get to fully be this person in every aspect of their life, from putting on the clothes they'd where, to talking like they would talk, loving who they love. Anthony Hope is the complete opposite of me, really. He's hopeful, I suppose you could say. He's a boy who finds true love and wants to set her free. For starters, I don't feel that way about females. So, I guess you could say I'm embodying somebody totally different from me. In reality, I'm more like Johanna in a sense. She's trapped away by Judge Turpin and all she cares about is being free. She's trapped away by this beast of a man... I'm trapped away by this beast of a face.

I guess Anthony was never for me.

I prepared myself for my first outing since the change. It didn't really take much preparation on my face. I hadn't put on foundation in so long and I figured I didn't need to start tonight. It would take a lot of work to get my face looking back to normal, let alone covering up all of these marks on my face. I settled for dressing in a way that wouldn't draw people to my attention, choosing my black bomber jacket from Vetements (perks of having a "father" who threw money at me like it was meaningless paper), layered on top of the hoodie I haven't hardly taken off, minus to wash, that said justin4ever on the front. I paired it with a full black ensemble, tugging the hood of the hoodie over my head and slipping out of the house like I was committing a crime. I feel that, if anyone saw me walking on the street, they'd think I was a mugger, especially with how dark it was.

I also didn't think about how my Uber driver would react, so I was hoping he was as enthused about Halloween as I was. I leaned up against a lamp pole about five blocks from my condo and waited for the driver. They pulled up, nowhere near enthused about Halloween. But I bet he was making a killer on money.

I silently slipped in the back and hardly uttered a few words, remaining on my phone in hopes that they wouldn't strike up conversation. Thankfully they didn't, except for asking if I wanted to listen to music. I shook my head and politely said "No, thank you." Ten silent minutes later I was on the correct block and insisted that the driver could drop me off here, considering there were plenty of cars blocking the way. I could feel the music pulsing through my veins as I approached the house, lights flooding out each window. A sliver of me wanted to think that I could've easily outdone this party, but I knew there could've been no way, especially since I couldn't have shown my face after all of this time being absent.

There were so many people here, a bunch of them dressed slutty and dancing like they were expecting to be taken home. Honestly, I would have expected to be taken home, too. Now, I just craved contact with someone. I wondered if Gianni was here. He hadn't bothered to ask me how I was, considering I've been gone for a long time. But I also realized that I never even gave him my number. Maybe I could tip him off tonight and sneak him my number, as if I were a friend helping out a friend. I didn't want Gianni knowing my face... my new face.