Burn/Roast Book

Jacob Saggytitties.

..I literally have the laziest cover.. I hate it.

BUT,ANYWAY! C'mon, you had to have known that this was coming. Jacob, the cancer of our society, more commonly known as the code you enter to get a half off discount for some Clorox Bleach.. Mmmmm bleach. *licks lips*

I mean, how can you not despise this kid with every fiber of your existence?! JUST LOOK AT HIM!

HE'S FUCKIN' THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, WHY IS HE POSING LIKE THAT? WHO ARE YA TRYING TO IMPRESS, JACOB? YOUR DOG? LOOK AT YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BROCCOLI HAIR, BOY.. I'm not even joking. The head of the broccoli, or whatever it's called, THAT IS LITERALY JACOB'S HAIR.

I hate this kid.. I just.. I fucking hate him. He has zero talent. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It'd be different if he could actually sing (without drowning the track with auto tune), dance, SOMETHING. But no, he's famous for walking around his room, shaking his phone, and fucking lip syncing. LIP SYNCING! Is this what our generation is? Are they seriously this talented? Oh? What- they are?? Fuck this shit! I want off of this planet.. I'm done! Nopenopenope *drops mic and gets on the nope train*
Okay, so that talentless bitch is even in fucking Nopeland.
THERE'S NO ESCAPE!!

Go to Twitter, HE'S THERE. To Instagram, yep, THERE TOO. What about YouTube? ....*self destructs*
Look at this:

You guys, Jacob is the fucking Messiah- Jacob is here to lead us all to salvation. HE CARES, YOU GUYS. HE IS JESUS COMING DOWN FROM A FUCKING CLOUD TO SAVE US ALL. You know what? Let's test this:

Is Jacob a man of his word? Of-fucking-course! I mean, he saved my life, man. HIS LIP SYNCING AND CAMERA SHAKING IS THE SOLE REASON THAT I AM ALIVE TODAY, I SWEAR. I was depressed, hated my fucking life, AND THEN I SAW JACOB! AND MY LIFE WAS FOREVER CHANGED! ..No.. Just..just fucking no..

Oh, and let's not ignore the best fucking song ever produced. Hold your applause, boys and girls, because this is just-
Oh, SWEATSHIRT! *crickets chirp* ...

BOY, I DON'T WANT TO WEAR YOUR CRUSTY ASS, DEMONICALLY POSSESSED, AUTOTUNED SWEATSHIRT, OKAY? Damn, you can do anything today and a bunch of eleven year olds would just swoon over you like: 😍

This kid is literally thirteen years old. I swear, just make a video of you humping the fucking air, lip syncing, write bullshit on your social media, SING ABOUT A POSSESED SWEATSHIRT, drown your talentless, prepubescent voice with auto tune, AND BAM! YOU HAVE (Horribly written ) FANFICTION ON WATTPAD ABOUT YOU, FUCKING T-SHIRTS, AND TOURS WHERE YOU LITERALLY RAP THE FUCKING ABC'S AND CAN'T REMEMBER THREE NAMES..

*picks up phone* hello? About my discount.

So what have we learned today, kids? That all you have to do is be a cringy little fuck who isn't even remotely attractive, lip sync, lie to your eleven year old "fans" who will probably be really ashamed for liking you later in life, and BAM! Life success...

Good God.. I need an aspirin and some freaking Lysol after talking about this failed abortion..

If anyone's got someone else for me to roast, let me know.