Buckle the fuck up, grab some popcorn, because I'm about to roast some people. I'm an asshole, so be prepared for cursing, insults, and reasons that might not always be valid..
Woo
Chillin' with the hairtiiiiie, no makeup with some sweatpants onnnnnn... *looks around and whispers* GUYS.. HELP, I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE OVERLORD OF MUSIC.LY. A WHOLE NEW FORM OF A GOD ITSELF. NO, NOT JACOB SARTORIOUS.. BUT FUCKING MATTY B...
Okay, but on a serious note, though..
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I look at this kid, and I instantly think: "What the hell is a ten-year-old doing on the internet?" He's got that baby face and everything. I mean, he looks like a useless bag of potatoes but still.. You have to admit that he looks ten.. Maybe even younger than that.
HIS JAWLINE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING CARROT, YOU GUYS. I DUNNO WHAT IT IS, BUT SOMEHOW, ALL MUSIC.LY KIDS RESEMBLE VEGETABLE'S. LIKE, WHAT ARE THEY?! THE FUCKING CHARACTERS FROM VEGGIETALES?!
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Wait.. They.. They don't have a carrot character in 'Veggie Tales?'.. Okay, well that's fucking racist. BUT THOSE EYEBROWS, MAN! DID HE HAVE CATERPILLARS TAKE A SHIT ON HIS FACE OR SOMETHING?! JUST LOOK!
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Guys, girls, anyone outside/in between the binary, listen closely. This.. This right here, is the key to getting all of the ladies. Just ask Matty. You know Matty, right? The next Eminem? The child who will cleanse the earth of our sins? THE KID WHO WILL END TERRORISM AND WORLD HUNGER WITH HIS GODLIKE, SIX-YEAR-OLD VOICE.
WITH LYRIC'S THAT CLEARLY COME FROM THE BOTTOM OF HIS HEART, THAT REFLECT OFF OF ALLLL OF HIS AMAZING EXPERIENCE'S WITH LOVE. Oh.. Wait.. How- how old is he again?
I assure you, no thirteen year old knows what love is. I'M FOURTEEN AND I DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT LOVE IS, EITHER. I MEAN, I SHIP FICTIONAL CHARACTERS TOGETHER MORE THAN I THINK ABOUT ACTUALLY FINDING LOVE- MATTY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND YOUR RETARDED FANS.
Let's test out the 'I love my fans' thing.
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Like, I swear, this is exactly how him and Jacob became famous: One day, they were crying in their rooms while listening to old Justin Beiber songs. Petting their poster's of Justin longingly, making out with their 1D backpacks/water bottles/etc, thinking: "WHY CAN'T I BE AS PERFECT AND GAY AS JUSTIIIIIN. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE BOWL HAIR THAT HE OBVIOUSLY STOLE FROM IAN HECOX. WHYYY CAN'T I WEAR HIS SWEAAAATSHIIIRT?!" ..and thus, every horrible MattyB song, and 'Sweatshirt' were created.
Oh, then him and Jacob rapped the fucking ABC's off into the sunset while shoving fruit punch up their assholes.
