Stardust (Phan)

We are all stardust and to stardust we will return

Word count: 929

***

I could feel the pain. Not the pain my in wrist where I'd loosely drawn the blade, but the pain in my mind where the blood fought the demons inside my head. Emotions flew, the anger and sadness hidden behind my eyes. As long as I kept my eyes on the blood the tormenting monsters who made their home inside my brain could be battled. As I watched it trickle down my fingers I marvelled at the intensity of the crimson liquid. The intricate patterns it left on my skin resembled that of a henna tattoo. How could something so morbid be so beautiful?

But as the dark red liquid slowed its journey and the skin stopped leaking my mortality from the cuts, I noticed the pain didn't leave.

The demons were winning.

I wanted to strike my wrist again to create more blood and continue fighting... but something inside me convinced me that there was only one way to silence the demons. I played with the logistics of my decision to murder the demons and rid myself of the pain they caused.

A poetic suicide always involved a tall building or a bridge at night, the wind flowing through your hair and the stars twinkling, calling for you to join them in the sky.

I always did love poetry.

I'd forgotten the time... I'd been sitting in this bathroom for too long. I pushed against the cabinet to help me up, my knees wobbling. I had lost a lot of blood and the slight movement made me dizzy. I splashed water on my face to try to wake up my mind, to distract it from the battle it was losing. The cool water sharpened my gaze and alerted my senses. My mind spun more slowly, allowing more logic to enter and shower down on my plan. I gazed up at the clock, momentarily distracted by the whirling second hand. It was almost mesmerizing the way it spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun to keep the clock at the correct minute in the correct hour. Gradually the numbers came into focus and I registered that it was almost midnight. Ten minutes till the clock struck twelve and Elizabeth Tower rang loud and clear to alert London that their late night partying or Tumblr scrolling had rolled into the next day.

No more all-nighters scrolling Tumblr or Wikipedia odysseys for me.

No more YouTube videos or screaming fans.

No more watching Anime at eleven o'clock with Phil cuddling against me...

... he was the reason these demons ruled in my mind. Because to Phil, cuddling on the sofa was innocent, almost hilarious. To even consider that they snuggled close why watching television made Phil laugh, because "Imagine if they knew". But to me it was so much more. The feeling of his head against my chest made my heart race and my eyes smile... but as soon as he stood up and walked away I'd be left in the aftermath, unrequited love tearing away at my soul and giving power to the demons in my mind.

In those ten minutes I would have to climb the stairs to top of the apartment and take my life with the stars watching me and the moon shaking his disappointed head. As an afterthought I chucked my phone in my pocket before I exited the apartment. May as well destroy it as well.

Phil was fast asleep, unaware of my late night morbid poetry expedition, unaware of the goodbye to the beautiful universe I sought for myself. I pondered this as I took the stairs two at time, my laugh echoing down the stairway as I contemplated the insanity of my eagerness to end it all.

The wind blew lightly in my face whimsically and I almost smiled for a second before my fringe flew into my eyes and the scene became almost comical.

"Nothing ever does go perfect for Daniel James Howell does it." I muttered bitterly.

I stood on the edge of the tall apartment building, gazing up the stars and trying not to look down.

"We are all stardust and to stardust we will return."

A nice phrase... a pity no one had heard me say it. In fact... a nice goodbye to the world... and all of humanity. When my soul slept in my grave and my body rotted six feet under, and teenage girls came to cry over it... it would be nice to have that written on my tombstone. Thank goodness I brought my phone. I quickly typed out a message.

Dan: We are all stardust and to stardust we will return.

I hoped Phil would get that message.

Phil...

I kept forgetting that he was both the centre of my universe and the reason I was leaving the universe.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Now or never.

It was only in this moment that I realised tears were cascading down my face. A drop touched my lips and the salty taste mixed with a metallic one as I bit down hard on my tongue, trying to repress the emotions that overflowed from my eyelids.

"Goodbye Phil."

I took a step forward and kept my eyes on the moon as the world tumbled out of proportion and I plummeted towards the end.

Suicide was the only way to kill the demons.

But as pain shot through my system and the universe crashed down around me, I couldn't help but think that maybe they had won.