If you've been reading either Thnks Fr Th Mmrs or Dear Pete, you will realize that I haven't updated either of those things in a very long time. I've just updated Thnks Fr Th Mmrs, and I told you that there would be an explanation as to why this update took so long, so here it is. Be warned, the entire thing is still quite complicated and confusing.
I started both stories a little while after I moved out of the country I was born in. An international move was really hard for me, especially since I'd grown up in the exact same house with the exact same people for thirteen years, ever since I was born. Even after being surrounded by the same people for basically my entire life, I somehow managed to be an awkward potato of a human being. Even though this was true about me, I managed to make friends with a bunch of other awkward potatoes, and soon I'd accumulated a pretty big group of friends. Life was great, my teachers loved me, I was doing really well in all the advanced classes I'd been taking, and I never really had much to worry about as I'd always knew what I wanted to do with my life and my friends supported me.
As you can probably tell, all that changed once I moved. I still kept in touch with my old friends, but I couldn't see them anymore, and I now lived in a big city instead of the small town I grew up in. Even though everyone at my new school has been amazingly kind to me and all the other new students, the awkward potato inside of me started to come out a lot more, and I basically became "That Shy Kid Who Never Talks". Basically, I became a wallflower.
Even though I did make a bunch of awesome friends, I wasn't able to fully adjust to the new environment as I had been able to in my first home, so the awkward-potatoness never left. I started to feel a little bit more lonely and filled my time up with daydreaming about my favorite YouTubers, bands, books I liked, and stuff like that. I created OC's in my brain, and they went on little adventures with Fall Out Boy, Dan and Phil, Harry Potter, etc. Eventually, I decided to write all my thoughts down, which ended up unfolding this completely random storyline that I'd created. I uploaded this storyline to Wattpad, and people actually seemed to like it. Updating Thnks Fr Th Mmrshas been a huge source of entertainment for me ever since.
Time started to pass, and eventually the end of middle school rolled around. My parents, teachers, and administrators have been giving us a lot of serious talks on college and careers. Knowing that I'd have to leave my house and be a completely independent, fully-functioning human being scared me because that time was coming really soon. I started to focus a lot more on academics and other things that I thought colleges would like to see from an applicant. I was forced to spend less and less time writing fanfiction and procrastinating, which made me pretty miserable.
All of that was just the preface of the story. Now onto the actual reason:
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I'm not really sure exactly when this happened, but sometime along the "Prepare For Your Future" stage, I slowly started to become more self-conscious. First, my face. Then, my weight. After that, pretty much everything about my appearance, to the point where my self-esteem got scarily low. After that, I started to see people around me do great things. They were all studying so hard. They were all exercising and being super healthy. None of them ever seemed to procrastinate on their work, and I knew that colleges would love to see this kind of determination within people. I, however, didn't seem to have that. While I still studied hard, made it quite clear to my teachers that I was a really smart kid, and continued to take the highest-level classes possible, I hated the work I was getting myself into. All I ever wanted to do was be alone and sit in my room, daydreaming. I've never been to a proper gym to work out, and I absolutely loathed most forms of exercise.
I tried to focus on the things I was good at, like writing, math, science, school in general. Even then, I was never the best. There was always someone better than me. There was always a bunch of other people going out of their way to make an amazing difference in the community, and I wasn't doing any of it. I've always been so afraid at the thought of not having a good future, but the fact that I was too lazy to work for one scared me so much.
Later on, I started to grow more self-conscious with the things I created. After I read back my writing, everything seemed cringe-y or cliché in some way or another. This got to a point where I didn't know what to do anymore. I wasn't sure what to think, say, do, wear, etc. Even after I'd finished all my work for the day and sat down to write or watch YouTube, I felt really guilty because there was always more I could do, but I never knew what that "more" was. For some reason, everything I did or said felt "wrong" somehow, including my fanfiction. I started to over-analyze everything I wrote, and I was tempted at several times to completely delete my entire books as I was afraid of offending someone or coming across as creepy. Even though fanfiction is just creative writing, and my stuff isn't anywhere near the level of creepiness that other fics have gone to, I couldn't get those strange nagging thoughts out of my mind. Even when I'm going about my everyday routine, a spell of sadness and self-loath would just wash over me, and I'd feel completely stupid, worthless, or ugly.
Luckily, these have started to subside. I'm still struggling with all the insecurities I mentioned, but I've been able to come to terms with a lot of my problems. They all still exist, but most of them have gotten at least a bit better. I'm still pretty afraid and unsure, but I find comfort in knowing that I have enough skill to write about these things in a way that will make people relate and enjoy what I'm saying. It means a lot.
This is the situation in a nutshell. There are lots of other details in there, but they weren't that important to the overall explanation. I'm not saying any of this so that you feel sorry for me. Please don't, because it's going to get better. I just wanted to give you guys this long-overdue update on why I haven't been as active as I would have liked to. Lastly, if you're going through stuff like this, I totally understand. You are not alone in feeling ugly, worthless, stupid, sad, lazy, and just horrible. It will get better one day, and I'm here to support all of you reading this. I really hope you realize that you're not the only one out there with feelings like this. You're a whole lot better than you realize, and it's time for someone to tell you that <3 <3
Please, please, please keep on dreaming, and stay alive,
