Chain Smoking

《 o n e 》

Kate and Emily:

In my junior year of high school, I learned a new word: misanthropy. Misanthropy is disliking people in general. When I say the word, I was quick to tell my second best friend (more on that in a minute) at the time all about it. Since day one, we both bonded over our love for eighties music and dislike -- for her, hatred -- of people. I mean, everyone is dumb and annoying, right? I felt like I could identify with that word. That was me. I was a misanthrope. And I lived up to that through my junior year. With my second best friend: Kate.

I should tell you about my number one, all-time, forever, best friend, Emily. We first met in our first year of middle school when our assigned seats were put next to each other. I don't exactly remember what made us best friends, I'm not even sure how we originally became friends, but that doesn't matter; we are, and she is the most important person to me. Today, we talk every day. 

During high school, not as much. That is one thing I am mad at myself about. I spent a lot of time with Kate; I flip from saying it was me, or Kate that caused that -- she was always there. I always had band class with her and sat next to her most of the classes (based on chair placements). On band trips, we sat next to each other just like we agreed in middle school. But other than that, we didn't really have many classes together. And when we did, Kate ended up next to me. Again, flip flop between the cause of that. However, there was not one day where I did not believe Emily was my number one, all-time, forever best friend. That would never change, I knew. Kate identified me has her best friend, but I always felt weird when she did that. We weren't on my side. 

Junior year was the worst I know. Kate was in almost every class with me, and Emily and I had two classes together: band and pre-calculus. Kate and I sat next to each other in pre-calc. In my other classes, I wasn't really friends with anyone but Kate. And in the class that she wasn't in, I wasn't really friends with anyone either. As a "misanthrope," I was okay with that and didn't want to change that. And I didn't that. I just hung back reading books from Kindle and Wattpad. I didn't do anything outside of school and band besides go to dance class twice a week. I just stayed at home, on the couch watching TV or, you guessed it, reading. I also wrote a werewolf story on Wattpad that year that didn't really get read. 

As you may be able to tell, I spent most of my "social" time with Kate, not Emily. So why wasn't she my best friend? I don't know. I could always be 100% myself with Emily. There was no filter between us. But with Kate, I guess I subconsciously knew I wasn't being myself. I was in a loop of hanging with her and being a "misanthrope" and didn't think twice about it. However, I didn't feel like I wasn't being me. In fact, I was sure I knew just who I was and no one could change me from being me. Naive.

I wish that I talked to Emily more. Maybe then I would not have felt so alone and suffocated senior year. Maybe I would have been more confident when I moved 12 hours away for college. 

But you can't change that past. You can only learn from it. If you don't, all that pain was for naught. My pain will not be meaningless. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

~Love and Happiness, "Marie Belle"