We Can Win

5/20/2005

The days keep slipping away. I feel somewhat empty. I'm not quite sure if it's because of the rut I've been in since the day I hit puberty or what. I'm confused about pretty much everything. I know where I'm at physically and socially; however, mentally, I believe it to be a gradual process—a very gradual process.

I feel that every dream I've ever had was all a deceptive illusion. (In this case, they are not the same thing. Some illusions are precise, helpful, even) This is not an insult to myself. I have to quit living in this ridiculous world of illusion and live the life I have been given. That much I know is true.

I also know that love is somewhere out there and that deep down I am worth having it. I am worth much more than the men I have encountered and the ones who have let me down. I am a unique person who is waiting.

What I also know is it that life is complicated; it never sugarcoats. I need to have my ass kicked a while longer, or until I receive what it is that I am looking for. Who knows if it will arrive in its entirety? Who knows when I'll receive it? It may not be until I'm on my deathbed. But what I do know is that right now, none of the answers are going to come forth. I suppose that's what life is all about. Keep on trucking, for certain events aren't meant to be overly indulged. It's like the song says, waiting is the hardest part. And when you're cooped up in your bedroom on a Saturday night roommate-less (because they're all working), friend-less (because they have dinner dates) and boyfriend-less (because you're apparently a propellant), you linger on the unknown. Your brain fixates on the things you don't have. You appreciate the black mass of nothingness that eventually engulfs. Confusion, it becomes a companion.