Repeat-Her Only Heart

Prologue

Timing. The timing had to be perfect. Not too late and not too early. And never in between. Want to know what hurts more...but also lessens the blow? It depends. 

In my case, it was definitely who I was stealing from. And I was extremely lucky, perhaps the only time I was ever this lucky. I was already living at my target place.  And I happened to be one of them.

My family.

I am on a mission. What is it exactly? I cannot quite tell you. 

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I grabbed the book off my bedroom shelf. I used tools as proof, or decoys. I often referred to them as 'troof.' Tools of proof. Books, pens, clothes, toothbrushes, towels, food–don't worry I replenished them often–and blankets, were often included in this category of mine.  Basically anything that fit the theme of the theft. They seemed simple, because that was the whole point. As far as your average thinking went, they were harmless. They wouldn't harm anyone nor anything. They were simply Objects, if you will.

You knew them, they knew you. They go wayy back to when you were born. It may have not been the exact edition and possible thing, it was born to be. We were together, a pair so close you couldn't decipher the relationship. Was I a maniac obsessed with tools? It wasn't important. But I'll try to explain.

Everything around me and you is sheer pain: lies.  Lies that were left, turned the wrong way and dumped into dark blank space where it was so close to nonexistence. Everything above me, below, in front of, behind, left, right, were all lies. A sheer thin page written full of vows of fake  naïve promises, non heartfelt apologies, and intimidating death threats. False. Bogus. Fraud.

Just peel it off, and you'll be free. But the peel, is the worst best lie of them all. My peel, is, existence. Without it, I was dead. Gone. Lost. Not one speck of dust. Like I was never born and made with love or lust.

 I grasped the doorknob and prepared for the squeaks that accompanied the door. I opened just enough so I could squeeze in, my body pressed firmly on the wall –or what's left with it– exhaling and flattening my stomach. I put my hand in front of me and felt it on my bedroom wall and flipped the light switch off. I blended in the darkness.

I walked barefoot and began descending the stairs, slowly twisting my feet there and here, while scanning the familiar area for a plan. I was a quick thinker and I knew every crevice of the rooms. I had only one obstacle: the office which consisted of my blood, a man who was so-called 'dad.' I had to pass the office in order to get to the library. Unfortunately, my timing would be a bit too...off.

I continued making my way down the stairs and past the living room, which was dark and had concealed the place I would have been walking — the office — had it not been my father awake. 

I padded through the hallway. My destination? The library. That explains the book, I hope. 

Pausing in front of the library, I stood for awhile admiring the the destination. The wooden door with glass panes welcomed me, the words on the books drinking me in. I slid slowly into the room with a beating heart.  Although the master had bad eyesight, movements would reveal me. I learned after that I wasn't stealthy enough.

I quickly grabbed my laptop which was sheltered in the second drawer. My fast fingers found their way and typed the all-too-familiar words to unlock the multiple access I was cautious, ducking into my hiding place when I heard footsteps. My laptop screen glowed despite being on the lowest setting for brightness. I exhaled when the footsteps faded to the opposite direction. 

Perhaps I had lost track of time. The most precious element when raiding. Footsteps entering the library were a signal of doom. I froze and stopped breathing. So did my rival.  

I had gone to my hiding place just in time, but how would I escape? Would I crawl the opposite direction? But where would he go? Right or left? Or should I just stay there deer in the headlights?

I then moved on to Plan B, deciding that Plan A was too dangerous. But Plan B was even more dangerous: reveal yourself. My mind had been so naive that time, panic surfaced and refused to let me think. I clutched my book, my only weapon until I was sure my knuckles turned white.To soften the blow. At least he was my kindred...

But to think about real choices then, what was worse, your family yelling, shaming you, and grounding you, or a stranger calling the cops? Even if it gave you time to escape, who would back you up? The camera that you hacked and shattered? 

It was either lower your trust and affection or raise the 'wanted' sign. 

Without anymore worthless debating, I lifted my head up. He saw my shadow as I gave a sheepish smile.

       "What are you doing out this late?!"

Already he was shouting, waking up the family. Even though it was only nine or so, my family had thought was late. Well, except two, hence his yelling. No, make that one.

       "YOU WERE READING, WEREN'T YOU?"

        "No, I was putting a book away." I said in a quiet whisper, all bravery and defiance drained out of me. It dawned to me later that reading  at night wasn't all that bad. 

I shut my eyes tight, hoping he would get a point, a slim chance. He didn't, anyways. Who was to blame though? It was his house; he could do whatever he want, including waking up the family. He could spend frugally or extravagantly as he could, Yes, he was rich, but two years from now, it was close to dissipating.His money wasn't all his anyway, but from his father. 

           "YOU WERE READING." It was a statement, a confirmed one too. Defeat, as always. Even if you had told the truth, it would be placed as a lie. If he assumed something, he would stick to it like a moral rule. Because he was powerful. 

But what I said was the truth. Half-truth. I thought stubbornly even though I was a hypocrite. As you could see, I didn't like my father. I despised him. 

Because I had come to put my book away. That, and to log off my computer.

This time, if I raised the book,  it would confirm his suspicions without a doubt, even though it was used otherwise. Simple things were sometimes too simple.

        "Go to SLEEP!!"

I did not argue.

      I had already started planning my second raid. If it failed, I would keep trying. Until then, I would stay low. Obey him. Obey and 'love' family. But I couldn't contain all my helpless hatred. I didn't even knew where it came from. Perhaps from my spoilt and never-ending satisfactory. Maybe it was the rebellious phase I was going through. Maybe it was how my family was slowly breaking.

I had failed my mission. Although I did what I needed to do and wanted to do, I failed executing my mission. By my own blood. And my timing had gone utterly, utterly wrong.

But even so, the mistakes that I had made, and will make, would only make me stronger. Stronger until I would be gone from them. My kin. Gone and free. 

I knew I was a bad child. But every story needs a villain, right?Just no one expected the villain to be telling the story. And not just because I want to be justified. No, I wanted to tell you the unbelievable mistake I had made. And it started with this.

If it wasn't for the best, my life would be a punishment of what I did...long ago. I continued to blame myself for treating my family so cruel. I would learn that parents needed respect, and I had given the opposite. And this was just the beginning to my battle...of my own heart.