All Pain, No Gain

Chapter 2

Everything seemed to be white.  White walls, white floors, bright white lights.  Even the beds wheeled about and the clipboards carried by hurriedly passing nurses were white. 

Hospital.  White.  

That’s all I thought as I walked through the maze of lots and lots of white corridors. I started to feel like Alice in Wonderland as I felt myself becoming smaller and smaller as I passed the never-ending rows of doors.

Room 8.  I stopped outside the door, hesitating to put my hand on the knob.  No matter how many times I came here, the words ‘brother’ and ‘hospital’ would never feel right in the same sentence.  It didn’t make sense. 

Not many seventeen year olds spend their Friday nights at hospitals do they?  I mean unless they did something stupid while they were drunk like setting yourself on fire or passing out in a pond or something.

It always happens to the best of people, my Mum said, and that’s why they get better.

I turned the white doorknob and walked in, the only sound my breathing and the squeak of footsteps on the polished floor.  My brother lay on his bed, his eyes facing the ceiling and his breathing slow and methodical.  His messy blonde hair swept to one side over his ocean-blue eyes and the dark blonde trace of stubble was visible underneath. 

“Alright bro? How you holding up?” I said quietly, as if trying not to disturb the silence. 

“I should be asking you that question really mate,” he said with a sad smile.  My brother was the only one to understand me properly, other than Mum. 

It's not that I'm particularly shy or anything; I’m not good with emotions, I just don’t show them.  I don’t even bottle them up; they’re just, not there… Normally.

When Jay was diagnosed with severe liver disease, for the first time I felt something other than numbness.  Actually when Dad was around I would feel a sort of gnawing in my gut, almost like… fear I guess?

But it was nothing compared to this.  My whole body seemed to give way under the weight of the burden I felt and for days on end, I wouldn’t speak or eat or just show any signs that I hadn’t been bitten by a zombie or accidentally ripped out my tongue or something.  I guess it’s because Jay has always been my best friend, he’s only a few years older than me but I consider him like my second half, like twins I suppose. 

I attempted a half-smile back; did I mention I’m not good at empathy or anything like that either?

“Hey I’m not the one all strapped up,” I said half-heartedly gesturing to everything coming off the drug stand.  Which was WHITE can I just add.

“No but you should be the one strapped down rather than walking around like you’ve been bitten by a zombie.”

Told you.

“Hey that’s not my fault.” I said jokingly. 

The room went silent.

“I’m sorry, I- I didn’t um… mean it- like that Jay you… know-“

“April shut up! Talk about digging yourself a hole anyway,” Jay cut me off rolling his eyes, “This is my fault I’m in here anyway and we both know that, the doctors know that, Mum knows that.”  His eyes told me I should probably drop it now but as you’ve learnt by now, I quite like having the last word.

“Jay,” I closed my eyes for a second, my walls crumbled around my brother because he already knew what was inside.  I didn’t need to be a stuck-up bitch around him because he wouldn’t take advantage of my guard being down, “How many times have we been through this?”