All Pain, No Gain

Chapter 6

I just stood there in shock, unable to respond.

I had been right all along.  There was only one reason why he came back here, not to "make the family whole" or any of the shit he spouted five minutes ago.

Stiffly, I walked backwards until my legs hit the cool leather of the sofa.  I collapsed back, my head fell into my hands.

I expected to cry in desperation for the solitude I had grown used to after Andrew had been locked away.  I expected to fall apart at his promise.  I thought I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

But all he had done was light the flame of determination inside of me and it was burning brighter than ever.  My emotions confused me endlessly.  Turns out if I feel threatened physically, my guard pieces itself together and I build walls around my hind and heart, forcing everyone else away, simply put, I turn into as much of a bitch as Alexis and her Barbie crew.

If I'm threatened emotionally, like with Jay's illness, I can't take it.  My walls crumble and I find myself vulnerable.

I decided my best option would be to go and check on Mum so I got up and locked the door before making my way upstairs.

I shivered as I reached the top, his return had brought all my fears back and made my wounds fresher than ever and being anywhere upstairs made it that much worse.

I pushed my Mum's door open slowly, poking my head through to find her out of bed, to my surprise.  She stood at her window facing the street outside with her back to me.

"Mum?  Are you okay?"  I whispered, careful not to make her jump.  Her nerves must have been on edge already, I didn't want to make them worse.

She turned slowly, her eyes not breaking their gaze with whatever was out front until the sounds of an engine faded away.  She must have been watching him go.

"I'm o-okay," she said softly, her eyes focused on the floor and not me.

"I came to tell you but he beat me here," I apologised to her.

"It's okay, thank you for dealing with it."  Her voice was small and almost inaudible.

I nodded in response.  

"Sit here with me for a minute," she half-asked, half-stated as she sat on one side of the bed and patted the other for me.

This was the most she had spoken to me in ten years.  As much as it hurt to think it had to take Andrew's return for her to speak once more, it made my heart swell to think she was trying again for my sake.

I had expected her to disappear further from herself, I had to admit to myself.

I had no idea what Mum felt she had to say after ten years of not speaking at all.

"Could you pass me the water there?" she pointed towards the cabinet next to her bed, her voice sounding parched already from the effort of this much conversation.

She took a sip before meeting my eyes and carrying on, there was a sadness in her eyes I couldn't place, almost guilt?

"I'm-" Mum choked out but couldn't finish, "I'm, I'm sorry, for...everything."

I held my gaze level with her own.  I could never say that it was okay because I understand because I didn't.  Jay and I needed her more than ever when she reduced to nothing.

So, instead I said, "I'm sorry I had to get a carer in, I couldn't do it anymore."

It was what had been weighing on me since Jay made the call.