All Pain, No Gain

Chapter 4

I'm not in my room, was my first thought as my groggy eyes slowly opened.  

I was not a morning person.

I slowly sat up but flinched as I put weight on my right wrist.  I looked down finding my wrist was bandaged.  How did I do that? I mean I knew I was clumsy and constantly tripping over stuff but seriously?

I looked around me slowly as I took everything in.  

White.  I'm in a hospital.

Wait, I'm in a hospital and my wrist is bandaged.  What freaking happened?!

Then someone sat up next to me.  I mentally freaked for a second before I realised it was Jay.  Everything started to make a lot more sense.   But I didn't want it to make sense.  Because that would mean facing reality and with everything dawning on me right now I would rather forget everything.

Dad had come back.  Fear gripped my heart like ice.  Why couldn't he just leave us alone?  He'd done enough! I'd rather he rot in prison.  That's how much I cared.  

"He's not here Ap," Jay said softly.  Yeah apparently the very few things I felt were plastered all over my face.  What can I say, I haven't had very much practice?

"But he will come back," I whispered averting my gaze.  I felt like I was seven all over again and even though it was just Jay I still felt a tiny bit embarrassed.  

Jay didn't say anything.  There's not a lot to say.

"Does Mum know?" I piped up in a small voice.

Jay ran a hand through his already messy hair, "No not yet, I was errr hoping maybe you could tell her when you go back..." he said sheepishly.

"I have to go home and look after her don't I?"  I already knew the answer.  I mean, I couldn't stay in the hospital forever and leave Mum.  She needed to know and she needed to have her guard up.  Or most likely, I needed to be her guard. 

I was older now, he couldn't take advantage of me so easily now, I tried to convince myself.  

How had everything turned from normal and only slightly stressful because of Jay, to the mega stressful worrying-for-my-life stage?

I really didn't need this right now. Ugh!

I let my head fall into my hands with a groan. It wasn't the fact that I had to look after Mum, it was the fact I'd have to take care of both of us with the danger of Dad around. 

When Dad first got taken in Jay and I looked after her but in the end we just gave up I guess. 

I know that makes us sound like ungrateful kids but when your Mum stops getting out of bed in the morning, won't eat anything you cook (or attempt to!) or drink ANYTHING, won't take a shower, won't give you anything but grunts and moans, how can you not get fustrated?

I mean c'mon I know sometimes I was a little unresponsive but I was never that bad. I always got out of bed in the morning to go to school! Not a hypocrite people just saying. When I began to look after her I was only seven for crying out loud!

We did call for a carer at one point when it got too bad to cope with and they still come everyday even now. Whether they manage to do anything is another matter altogether.

I feel way too guilty to be healthy, I mean who leaves their own mother to a total stranger? But I try and convince myself that there's nothing I can do for her. If I can't get her to eat or drink or even sit up for more than thirty seconds what good can I do her?

Everyday I wish things were different. I wish we could go back to before my Dad got in with the wrong crowd and gambled away everything we owned, took away everything we loved. Mum would still be living her life, Jay wouldn't be confined to a lumpy hospital bed and I would live a happy life with a full family.