Sorry for back tracking a bit in the last part, but I felt it was necessary. Not many people knew about my self harm, to be honest I think only one person really did. Can you guess who? However, I don't believe anybody really noticed my deep depression. I tried to hide it, but sometimes it was hard because all I wanted to do was scream or do something bad shit crazy.
What always made it worse was the fact that people didn't understand my depression even if they did notice it. They just brushed it off and would say things like "you're fine", or "don't act that way", or "you have no reason to be", and the best one was always "your life really isn't that bad, is it?".
Oh man, did that just piss me off and just make me feel even more depressed. So instead, I always smiled because it was easier to do that than explain why I was sad.
As stated before, I poured myself into my writing. I was doing the same routine almost everyday. School, homework, writing, and then working when I got my job. It was boring, annoying, daunting, and just plain depressing. There are no other words to describe it. Boring and depressing. What was the point of living if I just did the same thing over and over every damn day? It wasn't actually any form of living in my opinion. All I was doing was breathing and hurting.
But anyway.... My family and friends didn't like that I had met someone online and that we were dating or an 'item' as my grandparents would say. They didn't understand how I could have such trust in him when I hadn't even met him. They would always say, "Well, you don't know if that's actually him. You've never seen him." Hesitation was never in my response. I knew he was who he said he was. I knew he wasn't lying to me.
My response was exactly that, I defended his existence in instances that he couldn't. People would come back with "Just because he sent you a photo doesn't mean that it's actually him. He could be some old grandpa trying to creep on you."
I understood their fear and worry. They just wanted to protect my well being. All it did though was push me further away from them and closer to him. There were many instances that I wanted to take off and be with him, but I knew it would only cause trouble for my family members. They would panic and attempt to look for me. I didn't want to worry them, so I put their needs and wants before my own.
The mysterious wattpadder as I said before was part of a gang. Those members were his brothers and sisters - his family. He took care of them and they took care of him. They watched each others back and protected each other.
In a way, I am/was jealous of this fact. To be able to know that he had people that watched his back and would do almost anything for him. It must have been comforting in a way. There were people that would put their life on the line for him. I didn't feel like I had that with anyone. I didn't have that connection with anyone, but I wanted it. I would put my life on the line for certain people, but it's disappointing when you don't know if they will do the same for you.
I began to feel like if I went to where he was, they would accept me immediately. I knew they wouldn't care how I was brought up, where I was from, what I looked like, etc.
The little girl that he was actually caring for I became attached to. I would talk to her over wattpad when she was with him. She needed the loving and care that I could give her. And I was more than willing to give it to her. I loved her and I didn't even get to meet her. She was my babygirl at heart.
Over the course of talking with him, he would tell me stories about his life. Things he had been through, things that he had done, things he wanted....everything. I loved learning new things about him - his life, his dreams, hopes, wants, opinions and ideas. He was like dictionary and an encyclopedia of knowledge to me.
I always wanted to know more. Many people would probably think I was stupid for loving a guy that had been through so much and had done things that should have scared me. But none of it did scare me. I listened with an open mind as best as I could and an open heart. No matter what he told me about himself, I just fell more and more in love with him.
I didn't and don't see him for what he thinks he is. He thinks he is damaged, dangerous, dark, bane to the people around him, and a mongol. Yes, there is a bigger part of him that may have been some of those things, but that didn't define who he was in my eyes. He is much more than that, whether he wants to see it or not.
There is so much more to a person than what they have done in the past. Yes, I do believe that our past actions do affect what we do, but they do not define who we are. We define who we are. And if you're defining yourself in a way that you don't like, then change it. It is something that I have begun to learn over the years.
He ended up moving away from the gang. His mother, whom he has no respect for, had sent him away and was now bringing him back to her. Why she did any of that, I never understood. I quite frankly don't have much respect for her either.
I know he didn't want to leave the gang. That was his family. He felt as if he was abandoning them. However, I do believe he liked the fact that the move brought us closer together. We didn't have as many miles between us. And so he did it as much. As much as he hated it, he moved back with his mother.
Since my parents were so fearful that I would run off to see him, my father ended up taking me to see him. My dad took time off of work and we did it as a family vacation. We drove the 8 to 9 hours so I could meet him for the first time. I remember txting him pretty much the whole way. I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I am not going to lie, I was nervous.
There were so many thoughts and questions that were coursing through my mind. Was he just as nervous as I was? Was he going to realize it was me? Was he still going to like me? What was he going to think of me? Was he just as excited and nervous as I was?
It seems like it was so many years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. We pulled up in the car in front of the diner that we were meeting at. I had text what we were driving and that we were there. My insides were shaking and my stomach was churning. My hands were shaking as I had text him and got out of the car.
We walked into the diner and I remember scanning the diner with my eyes, looking for him. He stood from one of the counter stools and that was it...I was a goner.
