Our relationship continued to blossom and strengthen as the days passed. Yes, it sucked being apart. But we made it work. We text each other everyday and almost all day unless he was working. At this point I remember I wasn't working, he was. He worked a lot actually. He'd work 16 hour days, if not more and longer. Even back to back days.
But he still amazingly made time for me. He still text me as often as he could. But the million dollar question was always, when were we going to see each other again?
He made the next visit to come see me. He saved the money and drove the miles. It was him and his grandfather that came. They stayed at a hotel only 10 to 15 minutes away, so I was able to drive out with my truck and take him places to spend time with him.
It's amazing thinking about it now, but we were so young then. I don't exactly remember all of the things that we did when we were together for that trip, but I remember how I felt. I was just so happy to have him around and to be with me. To spend time together was such a blessing. I always felt so alive with him around. Like we were invincible as a couple and that nothing in this damaged world could stop us.
I began to feel like I could dream for things.
Before he came around, the only dream I really had was to be free and be myself... I felt like I could be myself around him.
Yes, I was most definitely learning how to be open and a lot of the time I still held back...But why? Why did I hold back?
That's also a million dollar question. Even with him, I still held back. Maybe I was afraid. Afraid because I still didn't know who I was and where I fit into the world. Afraid that nobody would like me once I opened up and voiced my opinions and actually be myself. Whatever that self may be.
Afraid that he wouldn't like that difference in me. I still don't understand it myself. But that's how I was. Quiet and in a way, secretive. I'm a listener and watcher. It's amazing the things you see and hear when others aren't paying attention. You can honestly learn a lot about a person just by doing those two things. I say secretive just for the fact that I didn't talk about myself much. I didn't really share my opinions and didn't share how I was feeling. My thoughts were my own and I kept it that way.
So a lot of the time, I would do just that. I would keep an ear available and my mind open as best I could. Instead of sharing, I do ask a volume of questions. I want to hear more, to learn more. That may have been my only set of social skills at the time, but it's better than nothing.
For him and I, I always asked a great deal of questions. About his past, his family, his dreams, his future, his opinions, his advice...anything and everything. I would ask him to tell me stories about his life and things that had happened in the past. Not only because I wanted to hear them, but because I wanted to learn more about him and to understand how he felt. There was some things that I still didn't know about him no matter how many questions I asked, but that's okay because I was thankful for everything and anything that he shared with me. I enjoyed listening.I also believe that talking about some of the things that we did, may have helped him heal in some aspects. He needed to get it out and talk about it, whether he realized it or not. He was just as bad as me about bottling things up inside. He would put the weight of the world on his shoulders and carry it around. I knew that he felt like he was sinking, but I didn't know what else to do. So I did what I knew how to do best and that...was listening.
My hopes were to help him heal, to help him move forward, to love himself just as I could. I didn't see him for the stories that he told me or who he thought he was. I saw him for what he was and who he wanted to be.
But I've grown to learn that the choice is always yours. You can't grow unless you decide to grow. You can't move forward unless you choose to move forward. You can't heal unless you decide you are worthy enough to heal.
How do you know that you are worthy enough?
Because everyone is. No matter the circumstance or actions done. Just like in my opinion, almost everyone is worthy of forgiveness. But they have to learn to forgive themselves and to accept others forgiveness when it's given.
Yes, it is hard. But it is also hard to keep it buried within. So instead, forgive. Let it go, forgive yourself, and allow yourself to heal.
