What happened from there, you might ask. A lot. That first time we actually got to meet, I will never forget. It was so nerve wracking and exciting in the same breath. I was for sure a scatter brain.It was almost like walking through life in a daze because I was so shocked that it was actually happening.
Once he stood from that counter it was like we were two magnets that were inseparable. We rushed to each other and I remember throwing my arms around him. This was the moment that he and I always talked about, the moment I dreamed about. I got to meet him, be with him, and be in his arms. I've never been to heaven, but I'm sure what I was feeling at that moment was pretty damn close. I didn't know whether to cry, laugh, kiss him, squeeze him tighter, or what.
He always asked what I thought of him when I first saw/ met him. But how did you answer that without sounding cheesy or fake?
Because what I was feeling and thinking wasn't either of those things to me. He was my everything. My knight in shining armor, my rock, my wild side, my adventure and here comes the cheesy part....my life.
I got to kiss him for the first time. We had a lot of firsts on that vacation. First time meeting each other. First hug. First time holding hands. First time looking into each other eyes. First time riding in a car together. First time singing songs together, which I will never forget. I loved listening to him, especially because I knew he was singing to me.
First kiss. Boy, was that semi-awkward. And before anybody goes assuming anything- NO it wasn't that actual kiss. It was the fact of having all of those people at the diner staring at us because I was a person from out of town and because my parents were standing outside more than likely peeking through the window as they waited for us to join them outside. But I wouldn't take it back or change how it happened because it turned into a memory. And a good one at that.
That same trip, I got to meet his mom and his grandparents. They were all....pleasant. That's the only way to describe it. The nicest one out of the group was his grandfather. His grandmother seemed like she hated everyone and his mother......well that's his story to tell.
The trip didn't last long at all. It was only a few days that we got to see each other. It was hard to leave. I was the one that had to get in that van and be driven away. I felt like I was abandoning everything we gained... I felt like I was abandoning him.
There were so many times I wanted to just jump out of that van and run back to him. To find him and run away to have our own life. To start the future I thought we both wanted. It may not have been great way of living at first, but its not what you have - it's whom you share it with.
For the rest of that trip, I was an absolute snot. I was more than grateful that my dad decide to take us there for a family trip, but it was hard for me to leave. We spent a few days there with him. Then my father, step-mother, and I spent a few more days somewhere else for the vacation. It was awful of me to be a snot for the rest of the vacation, but it was hard to stay in a good mood when you were taken away from the one that you love. I knew I would see him again, but that thought didn't improve my mood one bit.
My father and step-mother didn't really talk to me much for the rest of the vacation. They already knew. If they would have asked how I was doing, I think I would have probably screamed or started sobbing. And they didn't deserve any of that, so I did my best to not say anything or talk about it. All I did the rest of that vacation was pretty much follow them around like a shadow. And that exactly how I was feeling. I couldn't tell you what we did the rest of that vacation because I didn't really pay attention. I was too absorbed in my own feelings and depression. Which was selfish, but I think that my parents still enjoyed themselves. Or at least I hope.
Back then I guess I didn't really realize it, but I am both a selfish and selfless person. Selfish because me being an introvert only hindered others. I was shy, quiet, didn't do much, didn't hang out with anyone, kept my feelings to myself most of the time, wasn't honest about certain things, etc....Some of you might be thinking, but that's your temperament and character. Or you might be asking why does that hinder others?...
Because I was turning into something beyond an introvert. It was more like...like I was becoming a... Oh I don't know.... a hermit? I was hiding behind a shell I built around myself. Some people might just view it as me being fake, which is also true in a sense. There have been two sides of me for the longest time and I didn't even realize it.
As an introvert, as I mentioned above I was a shy, reticent person. Didn't talk much, didn't share my opinions or thoughts, didn't try new things, didn't meet new people, etc. There are so many couldve's and shouldve's that I missed out on during that period.
The two different sides of me leads to the selfless part of me. By selfless, I mean that I had little to no concern for myself or my own happiness. My thoughts and actions always reflected that my concern was everyone else's happiness and satisfaction. No matter the ramifications. That meant actions I didn't want to do and pretty much becoming someone that I wasn't. My actions of wanting to make everyone else happy was forming me into someone I knew I wasn't. Someone who just followed directions.
I did exactly what I was supposed to and I was good at it. Almost like I was a puppet.
