Forever Hold Your Peace

We'll Be Happy

We have been home for about a month and Elliot's kids are coming over for the first time. He left to get them an hour ago and they're going to be back so soon.

I've been pacing the living room since he left to get them. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't think straight. I'm two weeks late for my period and I haven't told Elliot yet. I don't know how, or if I should.

I just need to know whether or not I'm pregnant. I don't want a baby right now. I want to be able to settle in our life together. We've been going a million miles an hour since the day we got home from New Jersey. Nonstop cases. We haven't even been able to breathe, let alone get used to being newlyweds and living together. I want to have the time to get to know him as my husband before we have a baby together.

I walk towards the bathroom, opening the cupboards and rifling through all of the stuff looking for the box of pregnancy tests know I have. I finally find it and pull out the last one. I take a deep breathe as I sit down to take it. When I'm finished I put the cap on it and start a timer on my phone. I start to pace again.

I'm not ready for a baby. I'm just not. I know he said it would be a good thing but I'm not so sure it would be. Maybe we'd be fine and it would all come together but how are we supposed to parent together if we don't get to know each other as husband and wife first? It still feels weird that we go home together after work.

The timer on my phone goes off and I force myself to take a deep breath before I pick the test up. I flip it over in my hands and a wave of relief washes over me as I look down at the little minus sign.

My phone rings and I see Elliot's picture pop up.

Before I answer the phone I take a shaky breath in, reminding myself to breath.

"Hey El..." I say.

"Hey Liv, we hit some traffic but we'll be there in fifteen." He says, "The kids are excited to see you."

"Perfect, I just finished dinner." I lie, hoping he can't hear the shake in my voice.

"We'll see you son." He says, "I love you."

"I love you." I say, hanging up the phone and dropping onto the couch.

"Goddamn it..." I say breathlessly.

I'm so relieved. And yet, there's a little bit of sadness. Now is not the time for a baby. There's a small part of me that knew if the test was positive that we would have figured everything out, and that maybe we would have been really happy.

The door opens and Elliot and the kids walk in.

All the kids give me hugs and we sit down to dinner. It's not nearly as awkward as I had feared, it's actually really nice. I was so focused on telling them that we're married and how they would take it that I forgot how much fun we have together. I really do love his kids.

We finish eating and the twins beg us to play a game and I dig the only board game I have out of the back of a closet. We all sit around the coffee table on the floor and the twins set up the board. Kathleen is looking down at her hands, picking at her fingernails.

"Kathleen are you okay?" I ask, quietly.

"What's going on between you two?" She asks bluntly, looking between both of us.

I panic and I don't know what to say to her. I relax when I feel Elliot put his hand on my lower back.

"Dad are you living here?" Kathleen asks, "Are you dating?"

"I am living here." Elliot says. "And Olivia and I are together."

"So this like serious?" Dickie asks.