To the man I'd loved crazily,
I know I wasn't prepared for this, but who can stop the thumping of the heart? With the thought that I own it but it beats for you.
Three years.
Three years, I have mended my heart. I have tried to turn my life around, find my cause and build myself. I have lost the confidence. I am warry of meeting strangers. I told myself that no one would shatter the wall around me that I've toilsomely build myself. It's funny how it all went to drain with just the presence of you.
You know, I still remember how I've been filled with happy and inspiring thoughts back then.
I'm just happy.
Happy that I finally found you, have you, which signals the end of my seeking journey.
Seeing you for the first time is like seeing my future from years to come - but lately I've realized - it's such a sweet thought with bitter ending.
I was wrong.
When I had my first heartbreak, I thought I knew how it would feel. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But dear, I have never been this so wrong in my entire life.
It still hurts.
The memory torments me, day by day.
Day is tolerable; it was the school works that became my escape from reality.
Night is dreadful; it was the moon and other celestial bodies that became my witness.
Poor scraped papers and wet pillows. Often the target of my anger.
Just like every other lady whose heart was broken, I had questions. Back in those days, I so wish somebody could've given me the answers.
Why me?
It's a fantasy to have you near me. You leaving me is the reality.
Are you happy?
Tell me you are; I shall be your wings as I set you free to roam the world you have promised we would travel together.
I am so upset.
And deeply hurt.
As you excitedly spread your wings and and enjoy the new found freedom, do you even ask yourself how I was being affected by your actions? Do you even wonder how I am feeling?
Perhaps not.
I no longer even knew if you still even care. Or if you've even cared.
Perhaps never?
But dear, I now accept defeat. Because even before the fight began, I knew I've already lost.
And after a year and so, someday, if we'll ever meet somewhere again, I would be able to show you my success and new happiness. And you'll remember how your yesterday had been nourished with unnumbered memories of sorrows and joys that we had unselfishly shared together.
Be happy. Be real.
Signing off,
Joanne Lee
"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I'm not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I'm not angry, either. I should be, but I'm not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." ― Haruki Murakami
