Undesirable| Lashton AU

Chapter 2

When I got home from school, I looked around to see if anyone was home and to my delight nobody was. The eerie silence that was ever present was my proof. I went to my room and pulled out my box from under my bed. In this box were a couple of things that were important to me. My first tooth, my favorite blanket as a child, and a picture. The eight by eleven frame held such an important moment of my father and I. We were in an open field and he was throwing a baseball my way. I had my face tilted to the side and a bat that was ready to be swung. The biggest, brightest smile on my face.

It was my seventh birthday. My dad had brought me out to the field for a quick game of ball before my party. I was shaking from the fear of being hit in the face from such a far distance. "Don't be afraid, son!" he yelled from the pitching base to silence the constant voice of doubt in my head. The security held in his voice gave me enough confidence to straighten up. As he threw the ball, I place all of my weight on my right foot and tightened my grip on the cold aluminum of the bat. "You can do this Ashton!" he shouted with elation. The ball was fast approaching and it was now or never. I took a breath and swung. The load echo of a ding reached my ears as I opened my eyes and the ball was far behind my father. "You did it son!" he said with such celebration entwined with his voice. He picked me up and threw me in the air and I giggled from the high of achieving such a hit I could tell my father was proud of me.

As I sit here now, I could tell he was so content with his life in this moment, but his eyes held such a dark secret that he hid with a smile. The fear and regret he had was easily displayed through the far off glance he had. He was physically there, but his mind wasn't. Being seven, I just ignored it; my dad was my rock and security. He couldn't be afraid, it wasn't something that my dad felt; he was too strong for that.

A silent tear of longing rushed down my cheek. I hate crying. I threw the picture across the room and the loud glass scattering gave me pleasure. The scream that came from the picture wasn't as loud as the voice in my head. The shatter was all I needed to confirm what I feared. He was gone. "Why'd you have to leave me?" I asked silently as the tears overflowed, angering me further. I made my way to bathroom and took a good look at myself in the mirror. My dirty blonde hair was in a giant, curly mess, my green eyes had a lifeless glow to them, and my smile was forced. I disgusted myself. I grabbed my razor that I kept hidden taped to the back of my headboard and brought it up to my wrist. I just want the pain to stop. I know this won't help the pain, but at least I was able to control this pain. The way the blood slowly oozes from my torn flesh, gives me a moment of numbness. Numb is better than pain. I want to be happy again like I was in that picture. I want my dad home, I want him to be here to comfort me. Is this the way to bring him back Ashton? I cried and cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore and my throat was sore. I was tired of feeling this way. I just wanted some feeling other than pain and longing that dwindled deep in my soul and very being. I just wanted my dad back.

---

Over the next week, I tried my best to keep myself distracted from the thought of self harm. I had to put my focus in something that could keep me distracted. I tried exercising, but I quickly learned my distaste for such activities. So, I tried to write but the problem with that was there was going to be proof of my unstable state and I didn't want anyone to know. I just couldn't find a way to keep myself distracted.

"Ashton, come up here please," my chemistry teacher gestured for me.

"Yeah?"

"Well, Ashton, you failed your test again. Do you understand what this means?" He asked and I just shrugged my shoulders, "it means you're not going to pass this marking period." He looked at me with an expression that told me I should be concerned. I couldn't bring myself to care, I had more pressing issues. "Ashton, being the nice guy I am, I'm going to let you try to get your grade up in hope of being able to just pass the semester. I've set up a tutor for you and you are going to meet with him for the last two weeks and the day before the grades are due, you'll retake the test." I nodded my head and he handed me the tutoring schedule. Looks like I just found my distraction, tutoring today after school.

---

After another long day, I walked my failing ass down to the chemistry lab. It was full of busing bodies that needed service hours for the ignorant, arrogant club know as National Honor Society. It was also full of stoners and people with two left shoes on. This was exactly what I was expecting. I sat down in the far, right corner table. It was deserted and isolated from the rest of the room. Just what I wanted. I was patiently waiting for the session to begin, when someone sat down next to me.

"Hey," a voice spoke softly to me. I just kept my head in the book I was reading. I wanted to avoid as much of human interaction as possible. "Ashton, can you hear me?"

"How do you know my na-?" It was Luke. "Luke?" I gasped.

"The one and only," he said with half grin on the right side of his mouth.

"Ha. Ha, don't get such a big head, alright let's get started," I said as I closed my book and slide my chemistry folder closer to me. I wasn't expecting him to be here, but of course fate had to butt in for no reason.

"Yeah, that'd be great. Wonder when they are starting?" Luke replied. His response confused me.

"Wait, aren't you my tutor?" I asked.

"Nice joke buddy. No, I'm actually here as a tutee"

"What Luke Hemmings is here to get extra help? The same Luke who has one of the highest GPAs in the school? The same Luke who has never been below a B plus?" I was genuinely shocked, but I guess I did use a bit of sarcasm. I could tell that my response wasn't what he wanted to hear and irritated him.

"Looks can be deceiving, Ashton," he stated in a matter of fact tone "I don't need your judgement, and I came to sit down with you to be nice so you didn't have to be alone, but I guess that was a mistake." He quickly got up and stormed off. I didn't chase after him like my mind told me to do. I couldn't bring myself to it. If I did that, that would be way out of character for me and I didn't want my down low profile to be compromised. When Luke finally managed to find a seat near the front, my mind began to wonder with unanswered questions. Why is he here? I thought he was one of the school's best students; he shouldn't need this help. Why did he sit next to me? I have know idea why, but the fact that he did was enough to bring these stupid feelings back. The feeling of wanting to get to know him better, to actually trust him, to let him in.

"Luke," I called out. He didn't even bat an eye. Fine, he wants to be stubborn than I can be too. I gathered my things and made my way to the empty seat next him. He looked up for a second and when he noticed it was me, he looked in the other direction. I let out a breath, "look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be judgemental I was just genuinely curious." I apologized.

"Like I said Ashton, looks can be deceiving."

"Trust me I know," I don't why I'm telling him this or why I'm even being nice to him in general, but it feels good to finally have someone to talk to, whether he wants to hear it or not, "I meet more than just what the eye sees." He didn't respond.

After the lesson of the day was over, I quickly grabbed my things and walked to my car. I didn't realize I was running until I opened the driver side door. I just needed to get away from him before he made me admit more than I wanted. I brought my hands up to eyes and rubbed them to release this sudden exhaustion. I was just about to start my engine when I hear a tap on my window. I turn to see Luke holding a piece of paper and smug look.

"What?" I asked with too much chagrin as I rolled down my window.

"Wow dude chill," he stated as he backed up and put his hands up in surrender, " I just came here to give you my number, just in case you need someone to talk to." He extended out his hand that held the torn, rugged paper and I took it without any words. I rolled up my window and drove away.