Undesirable| Lashton AU

Chapter 3

"Hey hun how was school?" my mom asked as I walked in from the short ride from the school to my house.

"It was fine," I muttered uninterested in her failed attempt at a conversation.

"Just fine? You were late coming home today, what was the hold up? Did you join a club?" She quizzed excitedly.

"No, I had to stay after and get extra help because I failed another test."

"Another one? Really Ashton? You're better than this," and again there was that look. The look that told me I should be concerned, I just creased my eyebrows and frowned. Seeing as how I wasn't going to answer my mom continued, " Your Dad would be very disappointed."

That's when I lost it.
"You don't think I already know that? You don't think that I don't remind myself each and every day of what a piece of shit I am? How I'm unable to do the simplest things such as passing a test or go to school with smile? You don't think I don't beat myself up about it already? Don't mention Dad again!" I yelled back at her. I was tired of it! Tired of the constant reminder of what a disappointment I am! Of all the bullshit I put my family and self through.

"Ashton?" My little sister said as she came around the corner, looking at me sadly. I just smiled at Lauren and gave her a quick hug. She looked at me sadly, but she nodded in understandment. I looked back at my mom and saw that she was crying. I ran to give her a quick hug as an apology. As soon as I let go of her, I ran to my room and locked the door. I couldn't do it, I can't let the walls, that took so long to build, fall. I ran to my hidden razor once again and just let it rip through the already scarred flesh.

That numbness set in once again. The same old, same old. I fuck up, disappoint someone, and punish myself. It's become a routine. Fuck up, disappoint, cut. I just feel nothing. I want to feel something, anything! Even if it's pain. I'm so fucked up and I can't seem to care, I'm pathetic.

I slowly made my way over to my special box of things under my bed, and pulled out the picture. I smiled at the memory once again and just let my frustration out. I cried. I cried for hours letting out all of the hatred I have towards myself. I eventually fell asleep with only one thing on my mind. Fuck up, disappoint, and cut, the same thing that will happen tomorrow.

---

Four days. That's how long it has been since I had my breakdown. It was also how long since I've seen Luke last. I'm not quite sure why but this made me feel almost guilty, like I owed him some kind of interaction. It's not like I do though. We've talked the total of five times and I have his unused number in the pocket of my ruffled chemistry folder. Should I have given him my number back? I was being short and ill-tempered when he gave me it. Do I owe him a text? I sigh in frustration at all of this, it's just so confusing. He seemed to be the only thing that broke through my usually thoughts. I was heading to the tutoring program and my palms began to sweat and were ice cold. I was about to see Luke again after the last time. I was rude maybe I should apologize.

"Hey Ashton," Luke waved awkwardly. He was sitting on top of a table. He had one leg, bent at the knee, next to him resting on the table. The other was loosely hanging off the table and he had one of his arm draped on his knee, the other arm was behind him hold all his weight. He was wearing a plain, purple t-shirt and a grey cardigan with the last button, near his waist, left unbuttoned. I had to admit, he looked graceful. He saw me check him out and gave me a knowing smile, as his poised blue's met my hesitant green irises. I felt the blood rush to the back of my neck and cheeks before looking back down at my black Vans.

"Hey," I smiled back, "look about last Friday, I just wanted to apologize to you for being uncivil. I shouldn't have rushed out of there." I tentatively asked for forgiveness. His boisterous laugh puzzled me and my vulnerability was shining through by my lack of eye contact and reserved posture, I'm definitely not used to this.

"Dude, there's no reason to apologize. You're fine," he stated and pushed my shoulder in an attempt to lighten the tension. I just nodded my head as a response and headed to the desolate area that I have claimed as my own. "Are you busy after this? I want to show you something" his toothy smile and slightly nervous persona was hard to say no too.

"Okay," I barely whispered.

"Really?" He questioned. I nodded my head again and his smile increased ten fold, "Great!"