A Letter For Me, A Book For You

10- Insecure

Dear Klïoe,

All the bumps in the road only make me feel more sure that our God is living and faithful. Just when things are falling apart there actually coming together into this big plan he has in store for us. There is no hurt to big for God. He is a justful God. He knows just how difficult the struggles we face but He also knows just how each is for our benefit. We can overcome, no one is alone to endure the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Thus brings us to where we are now... Klïoe we've been bombarded by some bumps, Sherlock and I. However, that is not to say that I am angry or that I curse the circumstances. No, I confess that I am hurting but it is not due to what Sherlock believes is inevitably his fault. Despite how he may behave Sherlock is Sherlock and I accept him every aspect that makes him-him. I am not unaware of his personality and demeanor or his way of expressing what he goes through. I am also not blind to how he is currently feeling from the challenges he's encountered. I know it all and still I am able to say that I love him and want to be by his side wherever the great game takes us.

I'm worried more than anything that we might drift away from one another and all our fond memories along with it. To lose my relationship with him after coming this far. I never knew how much different-how much extraordinary my life would get once I got to really know him. I found myself in him, one who was confident, proud of his individuality, of his passions, and especially not fazed by what others might think of him for his peculiarities. That's what I see and believe to be the real Sherlock. I apologized because I needed to know that he was okay, that my partner was still in there. Of course, I know it wasn't my fault but it wasn't his either. He has no right to blame himself or put himself down, making him feel the way he does. I know he's scared and I know he might feel like it's wrong for him to be or to admit he's scared. Scared that no one will understand or that he'll never find someone to trust with all his heart. I feel like he's afraid that once he reveals himself that everybody's going to take advantage or cast him out and afraid that he's going to be abandoned, that he's not worth anything. Well that's how we know, don't we? Who will really stand by us to the end. There is always going to be people like that who try to poke a finger at us like we're not good enough but just the same they're those who will do everything possible to prove that they're not like them. Those who are willing to sacrifice themselves day and night despite the difficulties, the untruthful voices that spread lies/doubt, because they believe that person matters.

I want to be that person for him because I don't intend to leave him. From that moment where our friendship blossomed I might have not realized it at the time but I made a commitment to serve and treasure him who God endowed me with.

What is more I want him to know that I possess some of his frustrations. Yesterday after service I wasn't there for him at all. Instead, I allowed my attention to be taken away by one of the brother's in Christ. Through this I completely neglected Sherlock and I did it on purpose to punish myself. I knew it would pain me to leave him and I felt like I deserved to feel that pain because I wish I could make things better for him but I just didn't know what to do or rather what I could do would make a difference. When the brother left I saw Sherlock sitting by himself with his younger sibling and I couldn't bring myself to see him because I felt if I did he would think that I was just using him or he was just a back up when I had no one else. I wish I could tell him right now that he's not bringing me down, he's brought me up. And If more I would hold him tight whispering in his ear,"no more tears, no more pain, there is nothing to forgive, let's forget it all because our partnership is far more precious than any hardship. What we choose to do, what I choose to do is not out of bitterness or sorrow due to someone's doing, it is out of honest concern and hope in which moves me. You could never push me into anything or away. I'm older remember I know sometimes I fail to recognize that but I am and with that I do what I have to do which is in reality what I want/need to do. And it's not right for you to feel guilty you don't have to, you  don't! You are you, and you should do you. Not what's expected of you but what is that makes you happy. Any decision you make out of your own accord, heart, can never be the wrong one. Know this you'll have support. If you do not wish to discuss, don't shroud yourself in solitude or darkness. Instead, liberate yourself. Look around you, breathe it all in and I mean really take it all in for there is much that surrounds you that is a blessing. Emotion tends to cloud it but if we try hard enough there is beauty and there is a reason to keep on smiling".

So in the end Sherlock and I are not that different and I think that's what keeps us together. We're both full of insecurities but we're to busy enjoying each other's company, going on new adventures to notice.

With jam and love,
John

P.S
I'm staying hopeful, I'm not giving up on him.