I'm sorry.
Phil had sent Dan so many variations of those words. He'd added intensifiers and adverbs but Dan had only seen them, and not responded. Phil shouldn't have tried to show Dan his colour. He had wanted to but should have just left it. Phil had just hated Dan thinking he sucked the colour out of people. He probably thought he had taken Phil's colour now as well.
That kiss... it was numb. It only burnt after, but he could only tell Dan's lips were on his, not feel them. He had focused on the look on Dan's eyes as he realised what he had done and the fear that registered in them as he looked over Phil's face before moving away. He had frozen for a second to stare before he pushed him away, and Phil couldn't forget about it. Such a crumb sized piece of time to replay, but Phil had thought it back so often.
I'm so sorry
He sent Dan the message again. He did it whenever he thought about what had happened, and Dan had received so many texts. It was probably annoying as hell, and Phil was surprised that Dan hadn't blocked his number. It had been over a week. Nothing Phil was trying to fix at work was doing what he wanted, it all just seemed to break more and Mo kept looking at him warily, as if he'd had his heart trampled. It wasn't far from the truth, but Phil had unwittingly done the trampling. He was the one staring at the boots that were covered in blood attached to his feet, rather than the one bleeding on the floor.
He hadn't wanted to hurt Dan. He hadn't wanted to push him away. He hadn't wanted to ruin what they had. Dan had kissed him, and Phil would never know why. He hadn't been sending Dan explanations or excuses or pleaded for his forgiveness. He only wanted Dan to know he was sorry and that he regretted what he had done.
His evenings were dull and empty and he just ended up eating and then lying in bed staring at his ceiling and regretting missing the smoke he was used to clogging his lungs. He wasn't going to start smoking just so he could smell Dan, but instead he bought some cheap incense sticks and had been lighting those, watching as the smoke curled around the light from his lamp and he relaxed a little more being around it again. They weren't exactly the same as Dan, but it was a cheaper alternative and it was close enough. He was accepting that he wouldn't get any closer to him again.
Phil didn't feel blue anymore. He didn't feel grey, he just felt that if you looked at him, you'd see no colour. At first he thought he'd do anything to get his blue back, but as time dragged slowly on, he realised he just wanted Dan. Not to give him his colour but just to talk to. Just to smile at late at night, or to share a balcony and a blanket in the cold. To look after him when he was ill and to stare at as he drew. He wanted Dan back in his life. He didn't want to have taken Dan's colour.
*
It was almost 3am when Phil got a phone call. He reached for his phone in the dark and nearly dropped it when he squinted through the light to see Dan's number on screen. He answered and swallowed as he held it to his ear, his fingers trembling.
"Dan." He sighed with relief, but Dan didn't reply. Phil knew he was still there because he could hear his breathing, but it didn't sound like he was going to speak. Unless he couldn't. "Dan? Are you okay? Has something happened and you're trapped or something? Are you safe?" he asked quickly and he heard Dan chuckle through his nose, and Phil bit back a smile. He could hear what Dan would be saying. 'Of course you'd ask that'. "Have you been taking your meds?" He added and he knew Dan's face would have dropped. He heard shuffling and assumed Dan had rolled over, but at least he hadn't hung up. "Dan you need to take them," Phil urged and Dan let out a little huff. 'I don't have a reason to'. "Please," Phil stressed and Dan probably rolled his eyes, but his nails clicked against the phone. "Thank you."
They stayed quiet for a long time. Phil ended up putting the call on speaker and lying back down, closing his eyes and letting his body sink into his mattress and just listening to Dan breathe. He wondered if Dan was doing the same, and drew some comfort from it. Hopefully it made Dan feel a little less alone.
Dan's breathing eventually got heavier and Phil smiled, knowing he had fallen asleep. He bid Dan goodnight before ending the call. He hoped this was progress.
*
Tonight at 9.
Phil hoped this wasn't an old message resending. He was desperately hoping this wasn't an old message resending. It had been two weeks. Two days from the phone call and two hours since Phil had gotten that message. Phil had no idea what to expect, would Dan still be angry? Did he want Phil to be his model again but nothing else? Phil had no fucking clue but he was giddy, trembling as he paced around his room. He'd get to see Dan again. He didn't care how long for, just so he got to see him. Phil hoped that asshole had been eating and that he had better have been taking his pills.
