Yarborough || The Thirty One Day Challenge

I Don't Do Sadness

It's a day after I originally wrote this post and I'm cringing but like ok whatever. Also this is one of the best songs ever.

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Something I Want to Get Off my Chest

This is going to probably be a long-ish post, and a sort of stream of consciousness as cohesive as I can be at 230 in the morning. The dedication today goes to Random_Happenstancer. She used to be one of my best friends on Wattpad, but she's unfortunately left and has been gone without a trace for about two years. Considering the cringey topic I'll probably hate in a week, I decided it best to dedicate this chapter to someone who is not on Wattpad anymore, so that only people who really want to read this will.

Something I want to get off my chest...I hate how there isn't a place to talk about being sad without the chance of someone attempting to make you feel better. This sounds like a weird thing to say, but I'll do my best to explain. Whenever I feel sad or angry or whatever, I don't have anywhere to go. And here comes the comment I hate the most: oh no, what's wrong? I understand the well-meaning, I say it to others with genuine concern, but for me, it doesn't do anything. I'm not going to be telling you what's wrong if you out of the blue text me about a tweet I said.

I want a place where I can vent my sadness and frustration and everything in between and be seen as something that has tangible solutions. On Twitter, disregarding the hindering 140 Character limit, I always try to hide anything remotely sad by including a sort of sarcastic joke, or by not posting at all. I'm not going to go to a friend and say "hey I'm sad can we talk" because everyone just wants to give feelings and sympathy when I just want to vent and share in my feelings. And so I don't share them, and therein lies a huge problem. It's so unhealthy for me to bottle up my emotions, but I'm also a needy person who wants people to see what I'm on about, so trying to write to a diary is a brick wall of "this is pointless".

So I'm going to do it here. And it'll be however long it's going to be. And just don't read on if you don't want to, and I mean that genuinely, because I don't want hugs, I want solutions, but I also don't want solutions that pander to sentimentality. And so I don't know what I want, so I just want people to see this, I guess.

I was sad a long time ago. Back in the ninth grade I got really, really sad, and then I was fine for a couple years because of hormone stuff that I don't want to talk about because it isn't the point. The point is, I'm not handling things well right now, and even though I know I'm not, it makes it worse knowing I'm not and not doing anything about it. And then I worry that it's all just stupid and I'm doing fine.

But anyways, like I said, this will be a mess.

So it's started when my cat went missing two weeks ago, which is stupid but here I was and I thought I could handle it because everything has an end point, right? And I've always tried to be rational and I tried my hardest to rationalize my cat's disappearance but like, it just made me direct my supressed sadness and frustration out in anger and distancing, which I knew I was doing. And it's honestly an issue when I can rationalize what I'm doing because it still doesn't help anything. And then in the last several days I've just gotten really sad again, because everything is just catching up with me, but like a few days doesn't mean anything so I'm obviously just going through a little phase. But I also know me being sad and all mopey has been happening a bit more frequently each month than it used to. But again. What do I know, because I'm probably just overreacting.

And the other issue is when I'm not alone I manage fine. I worked today (I write this at 230 in the morning on the first day of the challenge) and I was totally fine. I was loving the conversations and connections with my coworkers, but at the end of the night when it was just me and another person and I was alone for a bit I started feeling lonely and sad again and it's SO STUPID AND I'M SO ANNOYED because here I am and I crave interaction with people but like just let me be sad when I am sad. And that's the issue with my mom too because I'm sad at home but my mom gets mad at me sometimes because I' not happy or energetic but like, there is no new connection I can create with my family to make me feel like I do at work or school. So you throw me into social situations and I'm either great and loving life or I'm scared and nervous and anxious but either way it's better than being alone with my thoughts and literally I feel so guilty writing this because this is literally me being angsty and I hate it and I hate that whoever's reading this will feel pity because I'm probably just upset my cat is missing.

But I try and rationalize everything I do and it's been happening a lot frequently which is the problem because while I want to explain what my problem is, if I do then it's a whole lot of nothing in return.

I'm just tired of it all. And I wish it was more okay to post this kind of stuff and just get a response like "yep" because I shouldn't have to feel bad about being sad and wanting to get some sort of response that someone in the world is listening, but then I get annoyed that someone thinks they have the same experience as me even though I do the exact sam thing to others and here I am again analyzing things and I'm just so tired.

That's all. I'm tired.

ALSO every time I try to get tickets for a concert they always sell out. I've wanted so badly to see Florence and the Machine, Adele, and now Bastille, but they've all sold out and when I wanted to get resale tickets for Bastille my mom said she'd talk with me tomorrow but tomorrow came and the tickets got sold so now I'm screwed and I'm upset but my mom's reaction was "Just another thing I've done wrong" and I just wish she would stop making me feel bad about my feelings and would work on how to come to a good conclusion that works between the both of us. And that's another thing that makes me sad but what's new. And then I get good days where good things happen and I know that everything needs to balance out but one fantastic day shouldn't and hasn't ever meant seven bad days, and here I am rationalizing having good and bad days because I'm hoping for a good one and then a good week and I'm just hoping September will be good but then what if it's not? And so I tell myself the next day or month will be better, and that's great, but it isn't addressing my feelings in the here and now, which is so bad because I try to label everything and classify everything into tangible stuff rather than realizing it's feelings and feelings can't always be rationalized. And here I am rationalizing rationalizing my feelings but I still can't convince myself that while yes, I'll be sad sometimes, I also need to address making myself feel better.

And I was meant to end it at 'I'm tired' but here we are. And nothing has changed and I'm still tired.

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2014: Something I Feel Strongly About

So, I have many things I feel strongly about, but after countless hours of minimizing this page due to no ideas, I have come to the conclusion that any topic I feel strongly about is either a) going to go off on a tangent, or b) will be addressed later on in this challenge. Which really sucks, because I feel strongly about a lot of things but nothing is coming to mind.

*Deleted*

That topic is: feminism, or more relevant: equality.

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In lieu of this being the only one I cringed at simply because it's so much 2014 me, this will, and I swear, be the only omission of a past entry. I'm keeping the introduction the same though. As well, because I miss her, I shall keep the dedication at the bottom as well. Miss you RYAN. I wish she'd come back to Wattpad.

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This is dedicated to Ryan, since she was my second longest-time friend on here. She's pretty awesome and she's my sister too.

I can't really explain how amazing and how lucky I am to have Ryan as a friend, because she's always there when I need someone to talk to, and she writes damn well.

<3

XcQ]