Tight Pants / Body Rolls -- The Novel

The True Story

I was walking-- no, running, through the forest of Moccasin Breath. Running from what, you might ask? Reality. I just need to be alone in my gold spandex suit with my music for a while.

I'm not what you would call "fit" -- I'm more of a 200+ pound beat box machine, so running isn't really my forte. I stop to lean against a tree, panting as my water-tight suit fills with sweat.

Upon catching my breath, I notice I am on the edge of a clearing. I look, and see that it is full of... troll people? They couldn't be more than a few inches tall. Walking forward, I crouch behind a bush on very the edge of the clearing.

I observe that they are all crowded around one boy, wearing the tightest pants I had ever seen. Seeing him wear them and moving like a vessel of pure shimmy made my eyes widen and caused my mouth to drip. Is that an angel? No, thats his dance moves. I can't believe my eyes.

Mindlessly, I walked into the clearing.

The trolls are surprisingly very friendly and do not fear me at all. I speak to the boy. "Where did you get those pants?" I ask the troll, "I need to get some and put my body in them; then I will rule the land!"

Saying those words activated a fantasy of myself wearing those tight pants, screaming for people to watch out for my body rolls and high kicking. It was a true dream, about to come true.

The boy, holding his chin, looked at me skeptically. "Yeah, I think I can make you some." He replied.

I sighed with relief. "Thank you! Thank you so much!"

"C'mon guys! Grab your partner, form a line! Let's get this show on the road!" The boy shouts, gesturing to all his troll friends.

I watch in awe as they work as one to sew the elastic fabric together, as if they had done this together a million times.

"Let's go!" I heard a troll shout, "Cut and stitch and make 'em shine!"

Watching work is practically hypnotizing, and I feel myself begin to doze off.

***

I was in a bakery. I look down, and see that I am wearing the completed pair of tight pants. I squeal with glee as I look at my legs, locked in a glorious cage of spandex.

I am so happy, I begin to body roll, which eventually evolves into high kicking.

It gets out of control, and my feet start pounding holes in the plywood floor. The baker comes out of the back, a look of shock and terror plastered to his tanned face, only covered slightly by his large, black mustache.

I am trying to stop, but I am not in control of my high kicks any more, and in one fowl swish, I smash a plate of baked goods with my hips. I'm screaming, trying to wake from this nightmare.

***

I wake up with a start. I realize I am laying flat on the grass in the clearing, and sit up.

I see the troll boy stitch the last stitch on the final seam. I could feel my leg hairs quiver and scream as he approached me with them.

He handed them to me and nodded. I excitedly run behind a wall of bushes and switch my spandex pants for these new elastic ones.

"Ready?" I say to the troll boy. I can see him over the bush. He nods, a look of confidence on his face. I round the bush and his look changes from a smirk to pure disgust.

My smile falters when he dies this. He looks from my legs to my face, and simply says, "Never."

Saddened, I change back into my spandex pants. Slowly, as I attempt to bring the wet, silky pants up to my hips, my sadness becomes rage. I fasten my belt and round the bush once more.

The trolls look at my with fear in their eyes as I approach them. I say calmly, "I was already wearing tight pants. I just did not activate them."

I smirk as the pants tighten even more to my middle aged legs, and a few trolls vomit.

In a serious and loud voice, I project to them, "These pants could have me voted mayer jazz!" I scan the crowd of cowering troll people, the continue, and I say in a growling voice, "Hell, I could have a plaque that says 'she wore the tightest of pants' if I wanted to!"

I stomp over to the cluster of troll people and put my foot down -- literally; crushing at least half of them to death in a split second. I roar and turn green like the Hulk, prepared to feast off these haters' flesh.

I high kick and body roll them all, until only the original troll boy is left. However, he was missing a leg now.

He cowered and sobbed as I lifted him by his shirt up to my mouth. I whispered to him, "Remember the name 'Leslie Hall'."

Whimpering, he nods and I gently set him on the ground.

With my work done, I walked back home, humming one of my songs.