Withered

Where Do Angels Go? (Edited)

Listen to the song it really sets the mood or atleast I think so or try this one.

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"Do you see the moon daddy?"

"I see the moon and all its craters."

"Whats a crater daddy?"

"It's the large holes on the moon that are created by meteors or asteroids hitting the moon"

Six year old me at the time didn't understand a thing he just said, but it didn't matter, because I still got to spend time with him.

"Then will the moon eventually run out?"

"What do you mean hun?"

"Like will the moon miss so many pieces it will run out?"

"I don't know my little flower, only time can tell."

"Daddy?"

"Yes my flower."

"Where do angels go when they die?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I wanna know where you're gonna go when you leave."

"I'm not going anywhere, at least not for now."

"Do you promise?"

"I pinky promise."

With that said he help me off the four foot wall that surrounded our backyard and took me inside to tuck me into bed.

"Good night my little autumn flower" he said kissing me on the forehead.

"I bet it's nice daddy."

"What's nice?"

"Where the angels go of course."

"I bet it sure is."

"Good night daddy."

"Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite."

"I won't."

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Groaning I turned over onto my back rehashing my dream or more like my memory of when I was younger.

"Thought you weren't leaving any time soon." Laughing humorlessly I got off the couch to take a shower upstairs.

Checking the time while passing the kitchen I realized it was only half past eleven. Lazily I walked up the stairs.

Finally reaching my room I headed straight for the bathroom door immediately stripping.

I couldn't take it anymore, the constant throbbing where my heart was. It was driving my nuts. I needed something, anything to make it stop, I just wanted it to go away.

I'm weak and I was gonna do it, I'm weak and I needed to do it, so I reached for the razor that was in the medicine cabinet above the sink and I slowly slid it across my skin.

Feeling the slight sting that only for a moment made me forget just why my chest was throbbing, just why our house was a little more quiet, just why mom's cooking was less and just why the smiles she had were all so thoroughly faked.

I wanted to go back, back to the time when we star gazed, back to the time when if I fell he was always there, if only to hold me just a little tighter, back to when there was three of us.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't withstand the pain to know he wasn't there anymore, I didn't want him to just be a memory. I wanted him there, always there.

Slidding to the floor I dropped my head in my hands, no longer being able to stomach what I'd done.

I shook there in that corner of my bathroom, my body being racked with sobs. Wanting so bad to feel the comforting arms of the one person I'd never be able to see again.

And with that thought I slowly fell asleep, only to wake over and over wishing reality was the dream I hoped it to never be.

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Self-harm is never the way to go and doing it doesn't make you weak. There's always someone there for you and no-one will love you more than you loving yourself.