'Emotions Falter'

No Choice.

Living with my mom wasn't a choice, it was something that I had to do, just like I had to do the laundry everyday, or eat a decent meal before going to bed. It became a daily cycle, a cycle I didn't much enjoy, but lived with it anyways.

At times I could love my mom, but once I heard the sound of the door open after school hours, the dread and sadness seeped in to fill the deep cave I called my thoughts. I wish for my mother to be home more often, but most times I wish she would just leave sooner.

A smile crawled onto my face, a real one that I so cherished. My mother had finally agreed on bringing me back to my home town, to see my relatives. I was most excited to see my father, in all honesty. My mother has said quite a few things about him to me in the past few years, the years I could remember that is. She made him sound bitter, heartless, and selfish. But he was a loving father, someone who knows how to be sweet but serious, and affectionate towards his kids. I loved being here, I felt more at home, finally being able to hold a conversation with someone without being yelled at or told to "go away and close the door behind you"

I can't tell you how many times I've cried at night because of what I was going through in my head. I didn't have a mother to talk to, someone who loved me unconditionally, and I certainly didn't have an over protective brother who puts my own safety before his. I had a mother who went out drinking and socializing with her friends every chance she got, and a brother who stayed in his room without a care what's behind his door.

I was alone, sat behind a beaten door with my anxiety through the roof, my depression at its limit, and my fear eating me alive.

The man, was the only one that was there, but wasn't...He couldn't hold me when I felt down, or a shoulder I could lean on when tears became to heavy. He was a voice and a screen, trapped inside while banging fists hit it's tormented reality, desperately seeking an escape. It was no use, he was far away from my own reality, a reality that oozes darkness and fear, loneliness and regret.

But it was mine, and it was a cycle. A cycle I may not like, but what choice did I have? I had to keep playing, even as a pawn, I would eventually get my turn.