Auxilium Haven

02

Warning: Curse words ahead.

We came back to our room where Trisha was waiting. Ryan fell silent until the end of the day.

What should I do?

I closed my eyes for a while. I inhaled and exhaled. I'm glad I stopped self-harming. I thought I already became numb.

Why does Ryan self-harm? Thinking and worrying about him pressures me. Is this the feeling they felt when I was like him?

Is he going to the wrong road?

A finger snapped at me. "What?" I looked at our class muse whose name is Aimee. Her short hair suits her.

"I just want to say sorry, Kaye. Please be healthy. You're so pale."and she smiled.

I nodded and smiled back. "It's fine. It's my fault that I did not say a thing before coming back anyway. You thought I was dead. And sure thing, I'll be healthy. I just need to regain nutrients and my color will be back."

"I'm glad you did not let your weakness eat you!" She stayed on the topic.

We talked for a while. And one thing that made our talk interesting is about, the school's suicide squad. A literal suicide squad. And they have been trying all the things that I've done. I don't know what's in their mind.

My priority for now is Ryan. If he's back from what he used to be, the suicide squad is next. I heave a sigh. What's wrong with people? They think trying to slit their wrist is cool? Aesthetic?

Aimee sat back at her seat and my eyes roamed around the room, trying to find Ryan and Trisha.

Trisha's probably in a meeting. She's also our class president. And how about Ryan? A grade conscious average student. Why isn't he here? He was here a while ago.

"Aimee, have you seen Ryan?"

"Oh. He went out. It's our free time, right?"

"Where do you think he will be at?"

She fell silent. She pulled me and ran out of the room. We arrived at the school garden. "Ryan's always here since you were gone for a week."

"How did you know?"my eyes looked at her suspiciously.

"W-well... I just saw him."she answered.

We walked around the garden and tried to find Ryan.

"He's up there."Aimee whispered. We looked up the tree and saw him. His coat was hanging at a branch near him. He wasn't crossing his arms and they are freely put in his thighs.

His skin was pale, even paler than mine. "He was using roses' thorns to slit his wrist. You know he loves flowers. I'm sorry I still don't know why he does that."

"Shush. He needs help."

"He wants to die."her voice suddenly became louder. I saw Ryan open his eyes and I pulled Aimee to hide.

He went down and clean his pants. "Who's there?"

"Rya--" I put my hand in Aimee's mouth for her to stop talking.

Ryan let out a sigh and pulled a rose. "Roses are red, violets are blue. Why am I living, when they don't want me to?"

He chuckled and scratched his arms with the rose's thorns. That hurts! The white rose's petals were stained with his blood, making it like a half red rose. My eyes widened.

"This is not enough." I heard him mutter. What is he planning to do?

I felt like my heart stopped beating for a bit. He got his coat from the branch. Okay, I know he's tall and I'm a dwarf.
"Let's go."I pulled Aimee to follow Ryan.

"Ryan!"

It seemed like he did not hear my shout.

"Ryan! Wait!" He stopped at his tracks and he craned his neck to look at me.

His eyes were lifeless. His lips were pale. And his uniform has a stain of blood. Still, the blood was dripping from his scratched arms.

"What do you think you're doing?"I tried to stay calm.

"Now I know what you felt. It's hell as fuck, Kaye."he even cursed. "I've been trying to get the 1st rank yet I can't. I've joined contests and I don't win any."

"You're shallow."Aimee muttered.

Ryan frowned. I pushed Aimee to my back so Ryan won't see her.

"Yeah. I'm shallow as fuck. I'm brainless. I'm stupid. I'm a fool. I'm just a mere human who can't make his parents proud. But fuck you, Aimee. You can't understand me."

"Because you're not as hard working as Trisha! You only befriended her because you want to take her place, am I right?"Aimee said.

Ryan did not answer. I took a step forward. He took a step back.

He finally said a word."My mom disowned me. My dad hates me. Because I can't be like Trisha. I can't make them proud because shit! I'm shitty! I regret having friends like you. Oh well, bullshit. Peer pressure. Dad's right. I don't deserve to have friends because I'm alien as fuck."

What is he talking about?"I'm sorry. I should have known. But I am here, Ryan. You can trust me."

He scoffed. "You can't help me. But I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you're strong. But I'm not, Kaye. You can't help someone when you're like me."

"I already stopped self-harming!"

I didn't notice I'm crying.

"See? You're strong because you can cry."he showed a weak smile.

"I don't deserve to be cried for. Stop. And don't try to stop me because you can't."and he ran fast that I did not see him.

"Aimee, please chase him. I know you can stop him."

She nodded and ran. Now, I'm left alone. I looked at my wrists and removed the bandage.

I pulled a rose nearby and scratched my wrist. Tears continued to roll as blood drops from my wrist.

I thought I'm okay.