Mustering up the strength to finally knock on the door took long enough, longer than I had expected it to take. I spent the time standing there, forming countless amounts of scenarios in my head.
When the noises of the world began to become louder and more frequent, I knew that now was as good a time as any. My knock finally came, sounding like something earth shattering compared to the nearly silent surrounding for this time of the morning. My nerves were beyond wrecked, and I could barely see what was in front of me.
"Dean.."
Gregg's voice pierces through the air, the surprise evident in his voice.
"Come in, come in". It clearly can be seen that beyond the surprise, worry lies in his features. He must know that now I'm here, the truth is going to be revealed. The fact he is tip-toeing around it pisses me off and nearly makes me forget all restraint I have learnt.
He leads me into the living room and we sit down, both finding comfort in seats far away from each other.
"You've grown, young man. It's been months since we last.. saw each other. How have you been? How is life in Indiana?".
I can't help but snap at him, delivering a comment that wipes the hoax happiness of his face.
"I've been good. Life's been the same as it always has been, especially since I'm not having treatment everyday for my fucking illness. You know which one I'm on about, right Gregg? That's cool because it's the one I have no fucking idea about".
Maybe it was unfair of me to take out all of my anger on Gregg. My mother had grown into a stronger woman after leaving my biological father, and I could imagine my mother setting rules that Gregg would obey without challenging her. But whether or not my mother had restricted what Gregg could say, he still had my number, he has a fucking mobile, and he could have let me know what was going on. I deserved to know.
"Dean, you have to understand.." he begins, but I'm not done yet. I surprise myself because for something I have limited knowledge about, I'm finding a lot to say since I've entered this house.
"I have to understand exactly what, Gregg?", I hiss, unable to control my anger any longer. I may be a changed man but everyone has their limits, and mine is being pushed.
"How can I possibly understand why you and my mother have kept her illness away from me? She's my mother, the only flesh and blood I have ever fucking known. I should have been the first person to know. She may have not wanted to tell me, but that didn't stop you". My voice involuntarily quietens towards the end of my speech. I shouldn't be shouting, I know I shouldn't, not with a now vulnerable parent and a little sibling in the same house, but I can't help it.
Looking towards his direction, it can be seen that Gregg has aged since I last saw him. I can only imagine that having a sick wife and a son still too young to fully understand what is happening is a challenging situation.
All the more reason to contact me.
"Just let me explain, Dean. Your mother.." he begins, attempting to find the right words. I compose myself and interrupt because even though I am itching to find out what's happening, I want my mother to be the one to tell me, like she should of in the first place.
".. is going to be the one to explain things to me. I know she kept whatever she has away from me for a reason, and I'll let her tell me why. Do you know when I can see her?"
He glances at the watch on his wrist, informing himself of the time.
"It's just gone quarter past eight. Auden wakes up at half past, and your mother gets up at nine. Lana comes around at quarter to 10, and the specialist nurse arrives at 10. I guess the best time would be to see her around 11, after she gains some strength after the.. treatment".
I decide that I can no longer be in this house, spending the next 3 hours waiting for my mother to be 'strong enough' to speak to me.
"I'm going out, I'll be back at 11. Don't tell her I'm here, she can find out once she sees me".
"As you wish, she's going to be over the moon to see you Cohen", he tells me, his eyes glistening.
I get up to leave, having nothing to say to that. I do hope she'll be happy to see me, but more pressing matters lie ahead before we can have a usual, mother-son reunion.
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