Nyctophilia

Chapter One:

When I was in the seventh grade, I noticed a changed in my eating habits. I mean, I didn't think anything of it because I was about thirteen years old back then. I wouldn't eat full meals or I would skip one whole entire meal and that would usually be breakfast.

"Alexis, you haven't touched your food. Is something bothering you? I've made your favorite." My mother's lips curved into a sad, simple smile. Her pale hands gestured to the three warm golden waffles stacked on top of each other surrounded by bright green seedless grapes.

"Something wrong? No." Yes. Kids at school taunt me about my weight. They constantly remind how unattractive I am and how I don't deserve to be on this earth. I try not to let their daggering words get to me but it somehow always does, leaving my tears to dance upon my pillow as night comforts me in her arms.

"I'm just feeling under weather today. I don't want this" I say as I push the warm plate of food away from me. I knew my mother would give me a long speech about how it's a sin to throw away food and how other kids around the world would kill for what I have but at the moment, I didn't care. She would just be wasting her breath.

I'm now Nineteen years old and nothing has changed. In fact, it's gotten worse. I barely communicate anymore. My parents constantly worry so they tried sending me to a therapist and it's the worst thing ever. My therapist, god I hate that word, comes off as a bitch. She asks so many questions and I know it's her job but I am in no set of mind to answer any of her stupid questions but my mother forced me anyway. She nagged about how I was being rude and she never raised to become the monster am I now. She just doesn't understand. When you understand depression so deeply that you see beauty in it, you realize that those who refuse to consider the possibility have condemned themselves to a diminished life and will live in fear of depression's return for the rest of their lives. You feel tremendous sadness that too many people understand it so little that they think the only solution is to try to make it go away. Depression can be a living hell or a beautiful part of life. Living hell is easy, just keep following the advice of those who experience it that way.