Lonely Soul

A letter...

Honey, today when I close my eyes, I only remember that time. I only remember you smiling, your fresh voice, our cuddles, and every single moment. I had few pictures of yours (that I have downloaded from your Vk or Fb accounts). I watched them. I read our conversation on WhatsApp (I still have it). I remember our fights, and every time we promise not to repeat it but we do argue after some time and again promise. I have so many things, so many memories to talk about. I used to translate songs for you. Once you told me that I have a good taste to selecting songs that suits the situation/emotional state at that time or linked to certain message/event. Today I was looking at the call history (that I shared lately on Fb) and remembering our talks. I used to talk to you on my way to university in the morning, sharing the snapshots of my breakfast, sometimes arguing about something, always saying "I love you" and you'd always not reciprocate that. You used to say that these words are special and you don't want to lose its importance. We used to be best of best friends and today....I have destroyed everything, didn't I?

I am not a good human being and I could not be a good friend. I only manage to hurt people. Sometimes those who love me, care about me. I could not be a good friend. I always hurt people. When I think about my behavior, my attitude and the way I treat people, I want everyone to leave me so that they don't get hurt, so that they live happily, so that they could laugh.

Yesterday, I visited your twitter account and I felt ashamed. There I saw a Jessy who is full of life, enjoys her life, who has a kind heart and a lovely soul. While I was seeing your account, I remembered each and every crime that I committed and my every single action that has caused you trouble and hurt you. I remember my arguments on stupid things. I remember my fights on childish things. I remember me getting angry on you over nothing. I remember me abusing you for every failure of mine. I remember me declaring you the cause of my loneliness and sadness. I remember me feeling you responsible for my condition and always blaming you for not caring about me and loving me. I remember each and every bad thing about me. How could I followed you with such ugly face?

Jessy, I am not a cruel guy. I don't like hurting people and I don't do that intentionally. It is just that I am so desperate to have someone in my life who could trust me, love me and care about me. For her, I will be the center of their life. I don't want a slave but I want her to feel like that for me with all her own will. I just need trust, love and care/attention. I want to change but I can't do it on my own.

I want to relive once again with you, Jessy. Pleasenever hate me. I beg you! Please give me your trust for once only. I need itbadly dear. I know words can't do much but these are coming straight from myheart. I hope if that could put some effect in my words. Jessy, I don't knowhow to impress a girl, or how to make a request. I wrote what was in my heartand what I feel for you. I will be glad if you accept my request and will hatemyself and consider myself the most unlucky person if you rejects it because Iwill be the one who put himself for himself in such a position that how wouldhe be trusted anymore. I admit all myfaults yet I hope. Jessy, please decide in my favor :(