True Love, I Guess

Chapter 4

Maybe I am too late – more than a year late. Maybe I can't really get him back. I don't know. No one knows except for God. But at least I can tell myself that I've tried, and when I'm already an old woman, I won't wonder and ask myself, "What if I tried going back to him? What could have happened? Would I have him back in my life right now?" I've got enough regrets in my life right now and I don't want to add anymore regrets in it.

I know I've hurt him a lot and I'm really sorry about it right now. I just wish that he can hear or read what I'm saying right now. I was just 22 years old when we met and he's 10 years older than me. I've got lots of mixed emotions back then. I don't know what to do or where to go. I don't even know myself that well since I thought from the very beginning that money is what really makes me happy. But it turns out that I'm not that kind of girl. I just realized it this year. I hope he would still understand me.

Last night, I checked our previous chat conversation. I saw that the last message I sent him was tagged "Seen" at 11pm that night. I did nothing. I don't want to be a nuisance to him. I decided that I'll give him two Saturdays to contact me. And if he didn't, I'll resend another chat message to him.

At this point, I'm expecting for the worst because I don't want to give myself false hopes.

After I checked our previous conversation, I decided to talk to one of my readers via private message. He already read the latest update that I wrote on my blog, so he already knew what happened. By that time, everything was really crappy and I knew that I just needed someone to talk to; someone who'll just listen and not judge; someone who will not give me advices to stay away from him – because I'm really sick of hearing it all the time. I was crying hard while I was talking to that particular reader.

The reader told me, "It's really hard for him, with broken heart, to easily get things together and accept you. I mean you knew that he liked you, He knew that you knew, and yet you kept on pushing him away. Don't expect him to be all cute and caring before meeting him. He must be confused. He doesn't know what you want and what you feel. In fact, he knows nothing at the moment. So, it's not easy for him to show you his emotions and thoughts. As for your friends and family, don't let them distract you. Have they provided you any kind of reason for you to 'immediately stay away from him?' I suppose, no. So, it must be some kind of instinctual advise, wherein, the only thing that matters is that he doesn't fit on their criteria – like being rich or something like that. So don't pay too much attention to them. You see, people like him mostly scare others. Being kind, funny, caring, and cute seems farce to them. So, they think that it's just a disguise, and that is why they keep on telling you to stay away from him."

I was in deep tears while I was reading his replies. A great feeling of regret also ripped through my heart. I really regretted the day I listened to my family and friends' thoughts about leaving him behind. Clearly, I left him because of them. And now that I'm hurting because I still "want" him in my life, they weren't there for me. I'm just all alone. They just kept on telling me that the right guy will come in my life on the right time. But it's always EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I've always cried myself to sleep hoping that when I wake up on the morning, I won't miss him anymore. But I guess everything is a lie – I'm just lying to myself. It's been over a year when I last saw him, and I've been with several guys after I left him. I even found the "Dream Guy" that I thought I was looking for. But in the end, I still feel the same way about him and all I could think about is "him".

Couple of questions bubbled up in my mind – like 'Why do this reader thinks that my guy still cares about me after all that I've done to him?' and 'Doesn't it look like he's just playing around?' I managed to type those questions in the midst of crying, and send it to the reader.

The reader immediately replied, "I don't think he's playing around, he might be, I can't really be sure obviously, but I doubt it. He is not showing his anger and disappointment, that might indicate that he's playing, but at the same time, it may also mean that he doesn't want you to feel bad. It's really hard to say something for certain. But don't think about that. It's irrelevant right now, if you get your hopes up, you might get disappointed. Try to be realistic. After all this time, it's unlikely he still cares about you, or rather should I say that his bitterness doesn't let him. Your main goal is to meet him right? And to persuade him that you're not playing with him. Don't try to find deep meanings in his messages. It's a waste of time. You told him to message you when he is free right? If that's so, just wait for him 'till Saturday. If he still has feelings for you, he will absolutely contact you. And one more thing, maybe he's thinking something along this line – 'If she genuinely wants to have relationship with me, she will contact me first.' Then, he might not contact you. So, when is Saturday coming? :D"

The reader also added, "Just from the things you told me, I'm sure he still cares about you. But there might be some other factors that I have absolutely no idea about. So the sensible thing is, to be ready for any kind of outcome; and to do things in order to get what you want. It's too easy to give up. Don't forget that it might take him a long time to be comfortable with you again. Or, he could be comfy with you on the moment that you meet him. Anything is possible. Just don't rush things. If things didn't go the way you want it to be on the first time you meet, don't give up just saying "He doesn't love me." Give him some time. I presume he is thinking tons of things right now."

So, I told the reader, "Tomorrow is Saturday. Don't you think he'll get annoyed if I bugged him again?"

The reader replied, "Annoyed? If he does, then the relationship won't flourish in any case. So, it's up to you. You can text him or wait for him to text you. I'd suggest texting him first. By the way, it's not "bugging" LOL, it would show that you are really interested."

I replied to the reader, "He didn't give me his cellphone number. So I guess, I'll be just sending him again a chat message via Facebook." I also told the reader how regretful I am at the moment.

The reader immediately replied, "Yes, text him via FB." This reader also told me not to be 'too depressed' and to not 'blame my family and friends for being protective to me' because that's what a parent/friend does. But I have to make sure that I won't listen to them too much because it will ruin my life.

After this conversion, all I did was, have some chit chat with that reader. I told him some things about me and he gave me comforting replies until it was too late and we both have to go.

I also concluded that, by this time, I guess, all I can do is pray wait for his next move.