Life, I Guess

15 & Author's Note

Sunday morning comes without the familiar glow of my phone screen whenever Devin texts. In fact, no one except for Will has texted me.

No friends.

After yesterday's conversations, I feel a bond between Veronica and myself that wasn't there before. We'd always been close, but now I feel a thick cloud of... acceptance(?) around her.

You don't know what that is.

Before getting out of bed, I run through a mental list of everything I'll need to have done by tomorrow.

Veronica and I did homework last night, I did laundry before I left, there's food for lunches, and I sent in my scholarship club application for next year. Everything is done but I feel like something is missing.

How could you forget Devin?!

I reach for my phone to text him good morning, but I freeze. What's the point? He's not texting me. Yet, what about a little tiny text just in case he thinks I'm the one ignoring him.

How could you ignore him?! It's all your fault!

Happy Sunday :)

30 seconds pass without a reply.

60.

90.

120.

It's hopeless.

Just like you.

"Morning," yawns Veronica. "You texted him, didn't you?" she adds after looking at my expression.

I nod. "I just thought... I don't know. I miss him."

"I understand." Silence bleeds throughout the room. "Wanna go to Cat's?"

"Sure. Let's get all packed and ready to leave and then we can go home from there."

"Oh, okay... You didn't want to spend more time with your dad? You saw him at meals and that was about it."

"That's enough for me," I say shrugging.

And enough for him.

"Has Devin met him?"

I perk up at the mention of Devin's name and feel an invisible wave radiating from my phone, just aching for me to check my messages. "Yeah, briefly at a school play or something Calvin was in," I respond before she asks again.

"Cool." Veronica turns to fold her sheets and dirty clothes. "Do you want to shower first?" she asks.

"Yeah, is it okay that you fold up the bed and then I can put it up?"

"Sounds good."

I grab my phone and enter the bathroom. I turn on my Alternative Pandora station and turn the water as cold as it can get. As I undress, I don't think about Devin. I think of how unlovable this body appears.

Lumpy. Saggy. Gray.

I sit on the shower floor and let the ice cold water flow over me. I do this sometimes when I need a wake up call from my doubtful self, but it's rarely effective. If anything, I just sit and feel even more sad. My only source of heat is from the tears that stream down my face.

When the cold is too much to handle, I get out and start my normal routine of hair and makeup. Instead of spending an extra two minutes on my hair, I throw it up in a bun.

"Good enough," I say to my reflection and I walk out to let Veronica know she can shower. "Your turn."

"Thanks. Jason came in and said he wanted to talk to you in his room."

What did you do wrong?

"Oh, okay..?" I walk across the house to Jason's room. He's sitting at his desk proofreading some sort of expense report for the vineyard.

"Have a seat," he greets without looking away. He's still wearing sweats, an old t-shirt, and his glasses. The scent of the room is an odd mixture of sweat, Old Spice deodorant, and denim.

"What's up?"

"Sam, if I go farther than California for college, are you going to be okay?"

No.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I laugh nervously.

"Well, I just... I don't know. Last night I was worried about you. Ever since I graduated, you've distanced yourself from everyone. I know I'm not one to have a heart to heart with you all the time, but... I just want to make sure you're okay, Sam." He's right, we rarely talk about our feelings together. It's been a typical older brother, younger sister relationship our entire lives.

"Don't let my sadness be the reason you don't go to a school of your dreams." There's a long pause followed by laughter. "Okay, okay, that was pretty intense. Seriously though, Jason, I'm okay."

No, you're not.

"Well, I've been accepted to UPenn for biology," Jason announces.

"What?! Jason! Oh my- Jason! That's so great!" I leap up to hug him.

He's leaving you.

But he asked permission.

No, he's leaving you.

Jason and I are still in each other's arms as I argue with the voice in my head.

You sat on the floor of the shower this morning.

Why did I do that? A boy didn't text me, oh no! He'll explain on Monday.

That's because he didn't want to break up over text message because you complained about how guys do that. All you do is complain.

But at least he'll be better because of it. Who wants to be broken up with over a text?

"Sam? You okay? I won't go if you think it'll be too hard on the family."

Tell him no. You could never beat going to UPenn.

Yet someone in my family is going to a great school.

You don't deserve to be happy.

And you don't deserve to be in my head.

"I'm so proud of you. Do what you think is best for your future. I gotta go help Veronica. Good job, Jason." I walk back to my room.

I won't go away.

***

Ooooo Sam's starting to get stronger!

If you guys have any questions throughout the story feel free to comment them :)