(Next Saturday)
We were at yet another party, this time at Brendon's house. That meant seeing a bunch of wasted stoners trying to tell the difference between their imagination and reality.
Honestly, that life didn't sound that bad, Not being able to recall what reality was. I sure wanted a life like that, I probably wouldn't even remember the shit I'd gone through at what I once called home.
I wasn't feeling my best today, probably at an all time low, probably too drunk to care. That was the problem with me, I relied on bad habits to cope with things.
Some of the things I did, like getting high or drunk, seemed so selfish. I couldn't point out why, though. Everything I did, every step I took and every breath I made, seemed selfish in my eyes.
I always played the "keep it to yourself and eventually everyone will fuck off" card, but it confused me. Yes, I wanted everyone to just leave me alone, but at the same time, I craved attention. And maybe that's why everyone always pushed me away, because I confused them as much as I confused myself.
When Brendon offered the weed, I didn't even think before taking it. It was stupid, yes, but it made me feel better. I wanted to completely forget about the life I had made for myself, and this was the easiest way to do it.
Taking the offer just made me feel worse. I didn't like the path that I had created and was now going down, and yet there I was, swinging my arms and taking long strides, trying to get to something.
I drunkenly walked up the stairs, passing a few rooms on my way to the bathroom. I heard noise coming from one of the rooms, and I slowly opened it, hoping I wasn't walking in on two strangers fucking each other.
That's when I lost it. There he was, in all his beautiful glory, with his best friend, shirts off and mouths clashed together.
It was Tyler.
And he was with Josh.
I closed the door before they could see me, and ran towards where I had been told there was a bathroom. I locked the door behind me, and sat down against the wall, because that's all I could do. Just sit there, staring at the sink, thinking about what they were doing in there, and why they were doing it.
I knew I was drunk as hell, and prayed to God that what I was just imagining what I just walked into, but something told me it was real.
I stood back up, and walked to the sink, wanting to wash away everything from my life. If only this were some fairytale, where if you touched the water, everything could just wash away.
-
One shot. Two shots. Three shots. Four shots. I continued to down the strange golden brown liquid that reminded me so much of the color of Josh's eyes, and Tyler's hair, until I couldn't count anymore, much less sit straight up.
And there they were, walking down the stairs, trying to hide their presence and hide within the rest of the sweaty bodies in the room, swaying to the hum of some horrible song playing on the speakers, resonating throughout the house.
Yes, I couldn't see straight, and everything was fuzzy, but I recognized that red hair anywhere, and only assumed that the person behind him was Tyler.
I tried to stand up when I saw someone, possibly Josh or Tyler, walking towards me. That failed horribly, and I practically fell to the floor, the room spinning around me as if I were the Sun, and the room were the planets revolving around me.
"Holy shit, Ash." It sounded like Tyler, and I attempted to crawl through the mangle of people, only for him to grab me from behind and pick me up, throwing my weight over his frail shoulders.
"Let me go, you, you, you fuckshit!" I couldn't possibly have controlled my choice of words. I was completely wasted.
"You f-fuh-reaking cheating piece of shit! Why didn't you tell me you were gaaay?" The final word was extended, possibly from the alcohol, possibly from my mixed feelings.
"What?" Tyler asked, taken aback.
"I saw you making out with J-Josh upstairs."
"Well maybe I'm bisexual, maybe I'm questioning my sexuality. Does it really matter?" I couldn't believe it. My boyfriend, the person I loved and the person that I thought loved me back, was asking me, his girlfriend, if it mattered that he was with someone else.
"I'm your girlfriend, for fucks sake! Of course I'm going to be interested in the fact that you could possibly be with one of my closest and only friends!"
"Oh, but when we made out during that stupid game, it didn't matter? Ashley, make up your damn mind!"
"That was a game, Tyler. A game. Games don't matter, games aren't reality."
"I want to explore, because I actually want to be sure of myself, for once in my life. Can't you just be happy for me? Why does it have to be such a big deal?" His words hurt, because this was a big deal.
"I'm getting the keys from Josh, we're going home. You're fucking drunk, and smell like weed when you tal- wait." Tyler paused in his sentence, looking at me with wide eyes.
"Did you get fucking stoned?" I tried to avoid his piercing eyes.
"Oh no, Ashley. You're smarter than that. Come with me, I can't trust you alone right now." He grabbed my hand guiding me to Josh.
"Oh, now you can't trust me? Aren't I supposed to be the one that can't trust you alone?" He didn't reply, just kept weaving through the mass of people.
"We need to go. Now." Tyler said when we finally found Josh in the huge house.
"Is she okay?" Josh asked, looking at me. I was a complete fucking mess, and that said "mess" could not be cleaned up. I was the kind of mess that stained and ruined every surface that it touched, and no one could disagree with that.
-
I passed out in the car, leaving Tyler and Josh to do whatever they fucking pleased. Of course, I'd never know if they'd done anything, or even talked. That wasn't my business anymore.
You could say that the words I spoke to Tyler that night were harsh, and that it was just the drink talking, but all of it was true. I couldn't have handled it any different if I were sober.
That's when I broke.
That's when I realized that my entire life was a fucking lie.
My dad was gone, my mom abusive. Tyler couldn't possibly love me anymore, and I was sleeping on park benches, wishing that I could just turn back time.
But that was as impossible as washing my problems away.
