{{Major Trigger Warning}}
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I'm pointless.
Those were the two words that I had been repeating to myself all night, hoping that no one would come around to see a pathetic teenager sleeping on a park bench because any home that they had previously was now a memory.
It's been two days. I haven't talked to anyone, hadn't gone to classes, hadn't done anything except sit there on that damn park bench, receiving stares from some people, even insults just for having dyed hair and tattoos and piercings, and for being the worthless piece of shit that I am.
I needed to eat, and shower, and brush my teeth, and do something, but did any of that matter when you're such a broken person?
I was caught by surprise, not seeing it coming. That's what hurt the most. I had no time to prepare for what was coming, didn't even expect anything close to it.
My father told me, when I was young, that God chooses the best people to mess with, because he knows that they are strong and can handle it, and I was so juvenile, so stupid, so idiotic, to actually believe such a thing. I no longer believed in such a man that could somehow decide someone's fate, that could create and destroy anything that he wanted.
That hurt, too, because I was, in a way, going against my dad. At this point, every decision I made hurt.
The only decision that wouldn't hurt was offing myself, because after that, I wouldn't feel anything. Maybe then, I would have proof that God existed, and that I was wrong this whole time. Either way, my life was just one big mess that only a few people tried to clean up because it was just that bad, and they eventually gave up, knowing that they couldn't clean it up.
Just like that, as if I were in some clichè movie, Tyler was walking down the pavement near me. I brought my knees to my chest and buried my face in my hands, the hood on my jacket up, hoping he wouldn't see me, but it was too late. He'd already seen me.
"Is this where you've been?" He asked, plopping next to me on the bench. I was overwhelmed by the once comforting scent that lingered on his clothes.
"Does it matter? I want to be alone when I die."
"Ashley, don't kill yourself, or I swear I'll fucking do it too." That hurt me as well, and for so many reasons that I couldn't point out, too.
"Tyler, don't you ever say that again. You have no reason to do that."
"Ash, I know I fucked up. I didn't know what to do, or how to react to anything that happened Saturday night."
"Don't call me that ever again." I winced at my harsh words, but didn't regret them one bit.
He looked down at his shoes, kicking some dirt around, revealing a less dusty, less dry layer of dirt. Neither of us knew what to say, and I was fine with that. Less talking for me.
"I still love you, you know." Tyler broke the silence. He didn't receive an answer. He didn't deserve one.
Tyler's lips were dangerously close to mine, and when they did brush together, he kissed me.
And I kissed back.
~
I'm really tired but once again I can't sleep at all and was staring at the ceiling for hours, so I decided to write to pass the time
Whoops
I'm also starting to really fall in love with my writing and it sounds so selfish
But
I feel like I've come a long way with my writing and I'm really freaking proud of myself for doing so
