Living the Dream

part 3

“Don’t worry, we’ll be just fine.”

My wrist was being held by a guy who sat alone in one of the bus seats. He pulled me in the seat next to him. A bit startle and confused I looked at him. He had spoken softly looking a bit on edge and glancing around the bus.

“I know we are fine, else they would have said something already,” I said softly as he had. I wondered why we were talking in those hushed tones. It wasn’t a secret that the bus might have trouble, right?

He looked at me again, still holding my wrist. His fingers felt warm and kind of reassuring, which bothered me more than I could express. Maybe I was worried more than I thought. Looking over his shoulder out the window I could tell we were going down hill with an enormous speed. I looked to the front of the bus and noticed that all conversations had stilled. Brenda walked past me and asked the driver what was wrong. She was a take charge kind of girl, but she was directed to her seat by the host of this trip. The host  was a guy in his late twenties if I had to guess. His name was Paul and he had the tendency to hover near all the hot girls on this trip. At least I was glad I didn’t qualify for that one. He looked like kind of hot, but underneath his appearance he came across as a first grade sleazebag. I wiggled my wrist free of the guys grasp and stared at him for a moment, trying to remember his name. But I came up blank. I knew we were introduced before we had all boarded the bus at the beginning of this journey. His hair was long in the front, falling over his eyes to one side. There was no gel in it to hold it into position and no real style was to be found. His hair waved from side to side as the bus moved. He had black hair, but the sunlight made it almost like  it had a dark, very dark blue hue in it. He smiled and as a result I felt my cheeks burning. It wasn’t often I was caught looking at someone so openly. Waiting for a sneering comment or some other form of insult. When that didn’t happen I looked up. He was looking out of the window.

Completely out of character I crawled towards him over my seat and looked over his shoulder. By the looks of it we were still gaining speed instead of slowing down. The whole bus was silent and everyone was looking out of the windows, hoping for the best. It was creepy how fast we were speeding down the road. There were trees speeding away from sight near the edge of the road. Any form of railing was missing. Meaning: that if driver Henry lost control of the bus, we’d be going off the edge and would most certainly die.

The bus would on occasion swirl very close to the edge of the road. And I might not always like my life, but I sure as hell wouldn’t like to die right now in the Czech Republic. Out of the blue the guy put his arm around me, pulling me close and grabbing my hand, clutching it in his. I blinked in shock. He was touching me. Okay, this was new. Not that I had never been touched, but I haven’t been without reason. He met my eyes, still smiling a bit. That smile didn't reach his eyes. And the look in his eyes was more than a little worried.

I tried to smile back, probably failing just like him. He was not at ease but he tried to look like nothing was the matter. Like, we weren't flying down a mountain at rocket speed with apparently no functioning brakes, driving very closely near the edge of the cliff. At times I could see dust, rocks and leaves rise up in our wake when the wheels were off the asphalt and stayed barely on the mountain. The turns were so dangerous it took my breath away when they occurred, which was more often then I really liked! I put my head against his chest, leaning into him, deciding if I wanted to close my eyes or face whatever might happen to us. He wasn't the only one feeling grim about this situation we were in; I was breaking out in cold sweat. Being held in this panicky moment by a total stranger was better than facing certain death alone. I just wished I could remember his name.

The shadows and flashes from alternating trees and sun light worked like a stroboscope on me. Being very lightly epileptic I could feel the effect slowly building up in my mind. I was beginning to get nauseous with the constant changing flashes of light and I was just hoping the stress on top of it wouldn’t make me pass out. On the other hand, passing out meant that if we were going to off the cliff side and plummet to our deaths down below, I would never feel a thing.

The smell of burned rubber had filled up the whole bus, not helping at all with the trouble I had with my stomach. All of a sudden my memory kicked in and I couldn’t help smiling. Leave it to me to remember his name in moments of despair. I looked up at him as he looked down. He still smiled, like he knew how I was feeling. It was amazing and it would be one of the last things I would be seeing. “Thanks, Steve,” I said softly. As a response he pulled me even closer. I couldn’t help smiling an even bigger smile as I realize that he might not know my name as well. Somehow that stung me. We were all going to die and the person holding me was clueless to who I was.

As we drove by the edge a few times too close, I could hear every one react in different kinds of panic. Some of the girls squealed and yelled, some of the guys just shout. Someone in the back was crying. And here I was, just lying against Steve. It struck me how relaxed I actually was, facing certain death. I wasn’t afraid to die. I had seen too much and lived through enough personal horror to not fear something that would eventually come anyway. They only thing that bothered me was the how instead of the when. But in this moment, I wasn’t worried at all. Steve was holding me and weirdly enough that made it seem all alright for me. It also hit me to how egotistical it was of me to remotely think that way.

I was a mom for crying out loud. How could I forget that? How could I forget my own child?! Grief poured into my heart and mind as I sat up straight with a new kind of panic. I would never see her again! That thought made me sick. A feeling of devastation raced through me making the situation so much worse! Tears began to well up immediately as I looked in front of me, and watched the road through the big window, biting my lip. There was nothing but the cliff to the right and the mountain wall to the left and all the turns the road made up ahead. I could see part of the road we were on down to the right. We had a whole lot of descending in front of us. It meant that our speed would not get slower. It would in fact increase even more. One wrong move and we were done for! In the distance I could make out buildings, which meant we weren’t as high up the mountain anymore. I hoped we could reach that town or village. The shock of it all made me shiver. Steve took my hand again and squeezed it. “Don’t worry. Things will be fine,” he said. I nodded. They had to be! The warmth of his hand around mine made me realize how cold my hands were. I squeezed back. As relaxed as I was a minute ago, as on edge I was right now.  My free hand was clutching the back of the seat in front of me. My breath had quickened and I couldn’t divert my eyes from the big window in front of me.

 Steve was looking out his window. We felt how the bus took the turns, we felt how the wheels once again left the asphalt and how the back of the bus sliding through the dirt. I closed my eyes for a moment, praying to whatever there might be out there. I wasn’t religious at all, but a bit of help or hope could never hurt.

'Please don’t let us die', was going like a mantra through my thoughts. I didn’t know for how long I had closed my eyes. When I opened them we were driving like a lunatic through a small village build at the sides of the road. There weirdness of it was beyond my comprehension. Who in their right mind would build a village here? Houses and shops flew by. I could see people staring at the bus, at the speed we were going by, but we drove by so fast I couldn’t see their faces. They probably looked as incredulous as I was.

Paul, the host, took the microphone and finally spoke some words. I couldn’t hear half of what he said. The volume was going from soft to nonexistent. I hoped he was saying something hopeful. What I did make out was the part about trees up ahead. They were planning to let us crash against those trees, because that was apparently a whole lot saver than coursing down the mountain like we had done for the past – I don’t know how long. Protest came instantly from everyone. And when Paul refused to let go of the idea chaos broke out. Most of the guys began shouting and trying to get up front to the bus. I just looked in shock to the people crowding up in front and next to me. They were all getting us killed for sure now.