Your Infidelity: Allowed It, Because I Love You

Gone Girl

I can hold. .

I take my robe off, and it falls to the ground. I am naked.

. . my breath

My being naked, however, does not trigger anything involving what happened to me.

I can hold my tongue. .

I was not naked when the man Severin--

I can stay awake for days. .

No, I was still wearing something. And that's what hurts most. I was wearing a white gown, and--

If that's what you want. .

The moment images of what happened appear to my mind, my mouth opens instantly, and my throat works automatically.

I scream mercilessly, begging for mercy, in desperate need of somebody to salvage me in this dark sea of misery.

Be your number one. . .

"Ah! No! No! Ah! No! Don't! Ah!" I scream and scream and scream.

When I have nightmares all I need to do is wake up from the scary sleep, but I'm not having a nightmare. I'm awake, but memories of my attack are far too difficult things to escape from. I'm awake, so waking up is not what I need. I need to die, and run away from my existence in life. .

I can fake a smile. . .

. . . and leave Francis. And when I am gone, he shall marry someone who can give him children.

"Does it bring us closer for you to know. . That your failure disappoints me beyond words?"

I can force a laugh. .

Just when I am thinking about his future without me, he barges through the doors just like he did hours after the attack on the castle. "Mary! What is it? Mary! Oh, my love."

I am thrashing around on the floor, naked, servants and guards gather around us. Our guards. . In their French uniforms. . . I scream louder.

Francis tries to catch my thrashing body, my small figure, which won't stay in place.

"Guards! Servants! Leave us!" His voice demanding as he commands. "By the king's order! I will slit out your throats if you don't leave us this very moment!" With this, the pile of servants and guards vanish from my bathing room.

I am still screaming, begging for the Protestants to stop. But it's useless. My mouth is tightly covered. A stronger hand wraps around my neck as he--

"Mary! Please. . ." Francis yells while he cries.

"AHHHH!! ARRGGGGHHHH! STOP! NO! AAAHHH!" I am screaming relentlessly. His hands on me are not helping.

Moments later Catherine comes to my chambers and into the bathing room.

"Mother! Help me. She won't stop. Look at her. Mother-- I, I can't see her like this. But I don't know what to do or how to help. Please, mother. I beg of you. Call for help." Francis' voice is pleading.

And even though Francis has been trying to catch my spasmodically thrashing body for minutes, Catherine catches it in a second.

I can dance and play the part. . .

I pant repetitively but eventually I relax into her arms that offer maternal care. It's all I need.

"Mary. ." Francis' voice startles me. He sees this, and relinquishes is his hand's attempt to touch me. His face gives away plenty of suffering. "Are you all right now? Are the flashbacks over?"

If that's what you ask. .

"The last thing I want is to be in a man's arms," I say, trying to mask the disgust I feel toward his presence. . "You are dismissed."

Give you all I am. .

His face falls, but hope resembles as an idea comes to his mind. "Will you come to our chambers? Sleep with me tonight? I can hold you in my arms instead of your holding me in yours like our usual tradition. You need it more than I do. I just need you at my side."

I can do it. . I can do it. .

"No. I'd like to sleep in my old chambers again." I wish he would just accept the fact that it is over between us instead of my having to tell him myself. I know it would hurt him beyond healing.

I can do it. . .

Or maybe he'll recover. He can have any woman he wants to be with apart form me. He says he loves me, but he is a man and all men are the same. No matter how much they love a girl, they will always be tempted by another girl.

But I'm only human. .

His face has fallen, yet he still speaks. Stop it, already I do not want to hear your voice! "Are you certain? I don't for a moment doubt that company is what you need most right now."

And I bleed when I fall down. .

"I will have the company of my guards." I just realize now that Catherine's arms are still around my figure. "And perhaps your mother's," I add, as I look at her.

I'm only human. .

She cajoles me gently and says, "Of course, child. If that's what you want. I will accompany you for tonight."

And I crash my head and I break down. .

"Je vous merci," I thank her. I look not at Francis, but I can still feel his eyes on me. I wrap the blanket around my body tightly. One of the many reasons why I can no longer be his wife is because I do not think if I can ever bare to have man see me without clothes ever again.

Your words in my head, knives in my heart. .

"Alright. Mother, please take care of my wife," says Francis. He stands and walks circumspectly towards me. I freeze. He is going to kiss my forehead. I want to pull away, but I've already let him down by rejecting his offer of company tonight. I think turning away from his kiss would make his pain a lot worse. Just seconds later I feel his lips on my left temple. Despite my lack of trust in him, his lips on my skin still feels like home. I close my eyes and endeavor the feeling.

You build me up and then I fall apart. . .

"Good night, Mary," says he softly. "Je t'aims de tout mon cœr."

'Cause I'm only human. . .

All I do is nod.

I can take so much. . .

Loving Francis has made me suffer through a lot. Now, I was raped because of him. Because of his reckless and selfish decisions! Because I am married to him.

'Til I've had enough.

I can no longer love the man I am married to. Those men assaulted me and took two things from me: my dignity and ability to love.

'Cause I'm only human. . .

Excellent song used: 'Human' by Christina Perri.