The Cursed Child - Honest Review (EN)

The Cursed Child - Review (EN)

Warning: This review contains swearing, slang and a great lot of spoilers (about the new book and the original series). This is a compilation of text messages I sent to a friend, in which I explained the story to her, so it doesn't have polite or literary language. I just thought it would be funny to share it. I hope you enjoy it! :)

  The Cursed Child - Review  

Biggest spoiler of this whole shit: Voldemort had a daughter with Bellatrix. She's as insane as her mother and as ambitious as her father. But she's way cleverer than both of them. She was kind of a good ultimate villain. 

She made Albus fall in love for her. He's a Slytherin, by the way. And his siblings are both Gryffindors, but the authors don't give a fuck about them. It's the same as if Harry had only had one child. His best friend is Draco's son and seems more like a main character than Albus himself. He's my favourite character in this generation.

But that shit's plot is what makes it bad. Voldy Moldy's kid pretends to be Cedric's cousin and makes Albus believe Cedric died because of Harry, turning albus against his father. Then, he wishes to go back in time and stop Cedric from dying.

Then Albus persuades his bestie to run away from the Hogwarts Express and they leave through the Roof, but the trolley witch stops them because in fact she is secretly a 200-something-year-old monster whose job is to stop students from escaping (she says she stopped the marauders and the Weasley twins). But they can jump.

Then they get a shitty-ass copy of a time-turner and go back to 1994 (they are in 2020, also in their fourth year) and disarm Cedric in the dragon task, but the shitty-ass time-turner only lets them stay five minutes in the past and they are forced to come back. Cool part: they create an alternative universe.

But that's not a real time turner. That's a way to travel through the 4th dimension developed by dark wizards (remember Nott, Lucius's little friend?...) He did it.

But then in the au Cedric's still dead, only Hermione never went to the Yule Ball with Krum, Ron never got jealous and even married Padma Patil. Albus is a Gryffindor, Hermione's a Hogwarts teacher and Ron and Padma have a kid called Panju.

Albus and Harry have the typical dad-son fights, and idiot little Albus is going to use that shit again, this time to go to the second task.

Second task: they do to Cedric what Harry did to aunt Marge. This is the part where I put the book down and started laughing.

Result: another au! Cedric is a death eater, killed Neville, Neville never killed Nagini, there's a Horcrux, Voldy never died, Harry died to fulfill the profecy, Voldy owns this whole shit, Draco's the king, Umbridge is headmistress, Albus was never born and Scorpius has a lot, I said a LOT of shit to untangle.

Remember Phineas and Ferb  the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension? Well, they plagiarized it SO HARD! There's a resistance  to Voldy's kingdom, comanded by super hot Hermione, once again not married to Ron, which includes just the two of them and Snape (hello, babies!). Scorpius made it to the resistance and learns that Ron and Hermione are most wanted "criminals", but they risk their lives using the time-turner to fix all of that crap. They go to the first task marry Ron and Hermione, and when they come back they are caught and kissed by dementors (but only Ron and Hermione). Then Scorpius and Snape go to the second task and the world goes back to its previous normality.

I've seen Snape die twice! Twice! Totally UNFAIR!

Next they seem to try desperately to make a good story but... Didn't happen, sorry. Scorpius convinces everyone that the shitty-ass time-turner is lost, but he still has it. He doesn't trust that shit to the grown-ups anymore and wants to destroy it himself with his best buddy. But stupid Albus Severus 'Shitty-Ass' Potter called his girlfriend Delphi Voldemort to be with them at that moment.

They explain they couldn't save her cousin and all that happened because of them trying to, and she pretends to understand and says that she has the right to be the one to destroy it. There's a new prophecy that says Voldy Moldy will come back if his daughter changes the past, and Scorpius says that profecies don't have to be always fulfilled... Bad idea! And here goes super-duper happy Delphi to 1981 to stop big  daddy from killing baby Harry. And she breaks the time-turner with them stuck in 1981.

During one of their dad-son arguments, Harry, as a proof of his love for his son, had given Albus the last thing he had from James and Lily senior, a blanket which Lily used to wrap him with when they went outside. But Albus didn't give a fuck about it and threw it against a love potion before he ran way. Since he ran away, Ginny wouldn't let anyone enter his bedroom, but she will let Harry in Hallow's Eve, because on that night he can't sleep without the blanket. Then Albus-1981, with the help of smart friend Scorpius remembers to write on the blanket in 1981, with a thing that reacts with the potion, so Harry is only able to read it after it is soaked in love potion. Then he writes. Dad, help, 31(maybe 30, idk)-10-81, Godric's Hollow. Ginny sees it and here go the grown-ups with a whole new shitty-ass time-turner (which is Draco's) to save the day! - in the grown-up team there are Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione and Draco.

Then Ginny realizes Delphi didn't go there to kill Harry, but to stop daddy from doing it. They decide someone will have to play Voldy, and Harry acted all 'Wait, I'm still the main character of this shit, it's still my name the one on the cover' and there he goes. Some time after that the kid shows once again she is not dumb and realizes that's not her father. Harry can't fight her alone (he's kinda rusty, poor thing, has already reached the forties) and Albus helps him and together we can do everything and etc. Son and father get along now, but Harry still has to watch James and Lily die before he goes back to his loving home. But when he does they live happily ever after, the end.

COMMENTS:

-I have to imagine that piece of shit as low-quality fanfiction so I don't get severe mental problems.

-There was so much tension between Albus and Scorpius that I really thought they would end up together, in the end, when Albus figured out Delphi was one of the bad guys. But no, seems like LGBT-rights-defender J. K. Rowling can't include homossexual characters in her story.

-LEAVE THAT SHIT ALONE! Please, don't make more remakes about Harry Potter, my dears, that is beautiful the way it is. Doing this kind of crappy continuations is suicide!

Thanks for your attention, and sorry for this! XD