What Comes To Mind

I Can't Breathe

So this is what it feels like to lose a mother.

Granted, not the one who spent hours on end pushing-literally-to get me here. 

But the one who gave me motivation to care about where I was going in life. 

The one who showed me what my passion was without even realizing what she did. 

She picked me up with words and dusted me off with escapes.

Not the escapes I used to cling to; no.

Speaking. 

She brought forth a voice in me that I knew nothing about. 

She taught me that I could put it to use. 

That I could escape into a world where I was heard; where I could be me if I wanted or be fucking Shane Koyczan for ten minutes in a room where people actually listened. 

They listened. But not like she could. 

Her eyes were filled with a wisdom that took so many years to gain, yet she did it in a third of the time allotted. 

If only I knew my limited time with her would end so abruptly..maybe then I would've paid more attention to the novels in her mind. 

My passion became a reality in my first written speech.

She pushed me to keep using that one when I felt as if everyone wanted it to be thrown away. 

I won a total of four awards with that one nine minute speech. 

Because SHE believed in something of mine that I didn't believe in anymore. 

She believed in me when no one else would.

I didn't win those awards for myself.

I won them for her. 

I couldn't thank her enough for creating the "me" I am today.

I hope she knows that she is legitimately what kept me alive since the first day of my Sophomore year.

I hope she knows I love her like she really is my mother. 

Yes she's still alive, but my breathing stopped the second I walked into her room to see an empty chair.

Can someone tell me how to breathe again?