Becoming Perfect

Chapter 2: you gonna tell me thats your sister to get in my pants?

Bulimia:
An eating disorder. Binge eating usually followed by feelings of guilt and throwing up.
That's the definition. That's what doctors and therapists will tell you. However they don't tell you why you do it. They don't tell you how weak you feel after for giving in.
These are the things they don't mention. These are the things nobody mention. They also don't mention how easy it is to hide from everyone.

6 months of having this shitty disorder and nobody noticed. Maybe cause in those six months I completely zoned out and became a different person.
Or maybe no one really cares what I do.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I'm really the only person I have in this world.

I thought I had someone else. Someone that had my back but everyone leaves at some point.

I look at myself in the mirror. Long brown/blonde hair. Dull green eyes. Long eyelashes enhanced by mascara. Round-ish face. Average.

I looked completely different from 6 months ago. My hair was more golden and shiny and soft. My eyes were brighter and happier. And I never looked just average. Guess things change.

I dry my hands and walk out of the bathroom. Carefully wiping any tears from my eyes before I walk out into public. Well there goes whatever share of food and liquid I digested at lunch.

As I walk out of the bathroom I subtly pull down the sleeves of my cardigan to make sure my wrists and lower arms are covered. I can't risk anyone seeing my moments of recklessness and telling someone.

I walk into my biology class a little late because of my bathroom stop but I pass it off as just getting lost. And because it's my first day no one questions it. If I can keep this up no one should notice. Ever. That's the way it's suppose to be. Me invisible.

Aria when she asked me to sit with her a few hours ago at break scared me. But even if she talks to me she won't know anything. No one does. Only one person knows and their dead. No way is anyone else finding out.

"You know for someone with a pretty face you don't seem to have a pretty expression."
Jason. Guy with perfect teeth. Sharp jawline and fantastic hair.

"Should you really be calling me pretty when you have a girlfriend?" I asked faking innocence. I know his type. Bad boy who flirts with any girl willing to give him the time of day. I'm not the type to fall for guys like that thinking I can change them. Because I can't. No one can.

"Oh she's not my girlfriend sunshine."

"Why you gonna tell me that's your sister so you can get in my pants?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"That definitely was not my sister." I expected him to laugh or snort or smirk after that. But he didn't. He looked sad and had this look in his eye. That far away look like he was remembering something, a memory, a happier time.

"So... what is she if she's not your girlfriend? Hired hooker?" I asked trying to lighten the mood. For some reason I don't like that look in his eye.

This time he did laugh. Like he was never bothered. "No spitfire she's not a hooker. I however don't do serious relationships." He said smirking.

"Why some girl in a different country break your heart and leave your sorry ass for a supermodel ruining you for every girl ever again?" He looked at me dumbfounded with a smile on his face.

" not exactly. " I thought he was going to elaborate but the teacher had other ideas.

"Mr. Connaway! Corrupting the new girl already?" He yelled but was clearly joking and being friendly by his tone and the smile on his face.

Connaway. Jason Connaway. I like it. His name has a ring to it. Maybe if he didn't have a mouth he would be tolerable.

"Not yet sir." He answered smirking. Before turning back to the front of the class to learn he winked at me.
His words rung in my head all period. He didn't say no. He said not yet. And I may not know Jason but I know guys like Jason. Their all pretty much the same as I've learnt. So when he said not yet I took it as a promise.

#

Mum isn't there when I get home. She's not usually there anyway. Rebecca was a daughter to her since she spent most of her time at my house.
So when Rebecca was no more it took a toll on her. My dad is in prison. And I don't have siblings so most of my time is spent alone. Not that I don't deserve it. I do I deserve being alone. I deserve pain and everything that comes with it. It's all my fault.
And the fact that no one has ever debated that with me proves it.
I've never mentioned this to anyone but at the funeral they could've said it not your fault. Or after. Or any day. Or when it happened. But no one did which means they all think the same thing.

If it wasn't for me she would be here. I should be the one 6 feet under ground not her.
Everyone knows that.

I didn't even realise I was crying. I shouldn't be surprised. I've cried a lot. I try not to. But I'm weak and pathetic so I do cry a lot.

" Bianca? " I wipe my tears as fast as I can but not fast enough. " Bianca? Sweetie what's wrong? "

"Nothing mum just thinking about Rebecca." Not a complete lie just not the entire truth.

"Sweetie her death was hard on all of us. You of all people. But at some point we have to let her go." She says patting my shoulder like I'm a dog.
Does she not know anything? After everything she has the audacity to say that?

"Mum you know what's worse then death?" I ask pausing to gage her reaction.
"Being forgotten."

Without waiting to hear a response, because frankly I don't care, I got off the couch and stormed to my room making sure to slam the door. She's not going to come check on me I know that.

So in the privacy of my room I let go of all the emotions I've been holding in all day.

I break.

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Hey guys x

I haven't updated this in a while so thought why not?

This is more of a look into Bianca's life and it looks like she has a lot going on.
Check out my other book A Beginners Guide to Living.

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Til next time

- A.B 💕