A Surreal and Dark World

The Diagnosis

I remember having difficulty in 1st and 2nd grade. This was when they still taught cursive hand writing. I could never stay within the lines.

Even the letters themselves were not straight. I also had trouble saying certain sounds like the letter "R." My brain just wouldn't let me pronounce it properly. So now I had a speech impetiment....
This wouldn't have been a problem if soon after I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD....That was the acronym that supposedly summed up all of my issues. Keep in mind that this was the early 1980's.
My memories are still pretty vague trying to remember detail from when I was six, but I do remember when I was first put on Ritalin. The drug of choice to make kids focus, and even more so, become more mellow.

I remember feeling "Great" until it wore off and exited my system. I remember getting very irritable, tired, and even more unfocused than before I took it....In the few years that followed there was a lot of tweaking of the drug, also a few increases since once my body became accustomed to Ritalin, it's effects became less obvious.
Since I started taking Ritalin in those early years, my ability to recall detailed memories became less and less.

Trying to remember the stuff I was supposed to learn in school became ever more difficult. This led to another problem, frustration. I became ever more awkward in social situations and more impulsive. My enthusiasm and level of caring waned. This is when the counseling began.

My mom would always talk to the counselor first while I waited in a boring waiting room meant for adults.

I took no interest in the few magazines that were slightly scattered on some random end table. Then it was my turn to talk with the counselor. Waiting in the waiting room, for what seemed like eternity, already pushed me passed my tolerance limit. He would have me sit in an abnormally large chair while he asked me about school, homelife,siblings, hobbies, and of course my feelings associated with each subject. It was terrible.

Then some new medication was added or deleted from my regiment. Talk about feelings and emotions, my identity of self was constantly changing with each visit. So of course my behavior was constantly changing. Again, this led to another problem, being that I must have more than one mental condition.