Unforgettable Moments

Chapter 3

        It's tiring. Having a different emotion everyday, every minute. Maybe even every millisecond.
One minute I'm smiling, the next my eyes are glossy from the tears that are forming.
But today I plan to make a change. No more of the habits.

I was never the type to set goals, or to make a certain year 'my year'. However, I had grown tired. Tired of the life I was living. No close friendships. Never any healthy relationships. Not even with myself. 

But there was something that's urging me for this change these days. It's like my heart wants me to step out of my cage. Finally be myself for fucking once. Stopping the act I had on for the outside world. I don't what that motivation is but I quickly grasped onto it. I was ready to grasp onto whatever I could hold onto to pull myself out of this rabit hole that I created for myself. Well, the one Dany created for me.

It's been 2 years. Move on. I tell myself.

I had never been brave enough to mention his name out loud. Never mentioning him in the video diare, or to anyone. Not even my mother. Not that I had any sort of relationship with her that would make me comfortable enough to tell her what happened. To her I'm just a brat that she spoiled too much. And that I came out just like my father. Selfish, narccistic, emotionless. 

"It's 9:00 AM for god's sake. Wake up, you're going to miss work. Can't you do anything right?"

Speak of the devil. My Mother opening the blinds.

"Aren't you supposed to be on a trip to.. I don't know somewhere?" 

I say smugging my eyes. And just before I open my eyes the door was locked and she was gone.

Heading downstairs after I had gotten ready, I enter the kitchen to make myself some coffee. To my surprise my mother was having her breakfast.

"What's up with you today? It's the longest I've seen you at home." I say as a take out two cups and milk out the fridge.

"Speak to me with respect. I'm off to work now, so don't bother yourself with that extra cup of coffee." She gets up from her seats and places the papers she was reading into her bag, making her way out of the kitchen and into the front doors.

I pace after her.

"I don't get it! Why do you treat me like this? Why do you act like I had killed someone?" 

The words that leave my mouth take me by surprise. I had never cared to argue with her, but today it seems I've had enough. Yet she doesn't turn around.

"You have. You killed my only daughter." She says, her voice full of contempt.

and walks out the door into her car, leaving me all alone with nothing but empty house that we call home.

I can feel the tear forming in my eyes, but just before they could I quickly wipe them away. No. I won't let her get to me. she doesn't deserve my tears, not when she hasn't even tried to sit down and talk to me. I try to convince myself, but I know exactly what my mother was talking about.

But it wasn't my fault I'd lost myself as a result of what occurred two years ago. She wanted her old daughter back, but that is something I couldn't give to her. That girl is long gone.

.......

It was a slow day at work.

We never really had much customers; However today was particulary slower than usual. But that came to my advantage. I needed the time to breathe after what had opened today with my mother. I sigh as I recall our brief but heated interaction. As much as it seemed impossible not to argue with her, it happened just about everytime we spoke a word to each other. I never enjoyed our fights.. but it seems as though my mother did.