Who Needs Superheroes?

Chapter 18: Thoughts, Words, and Actions

I had taken my pink pill and immediately gone to bed, but no matter how hard I tried to fall asleep, my thoughts whirled by through my mind. I could still feel his stubble prickling my jaw, his breath mixing with mine, his lips gliding first gently, and then with need across mine.

And no matter what, I could not forget his green, knowing eyes.

Fear's - Nikolai's - face was forever branded into my mind, and no fire could ever resurface my memory.

I felt tears gathering at the corners of my eyes, collecting until finally, they had no other place to go than down my cheeks. I felt like everything in my life had been a lie: from my best friend's identity to knowledge that magic did not exist to the identity of the man that I lov--. I stopped myself before I could complete that thought. It was a thought of the dangerous variety.

A silent sob rose up from my throat, trying desperately to be born and lacking the energy to suppress it, I allowed it to slip. It escaped like a soul from hell and however hard I tried to stop it, it refused to be contained again.

The tears flowed freely down my cheeks, staining them with a sticky salt mixture. At first, I attempted to wipe them away, but gave up when they were immediately replaced by fresh ones. I felt like Sisyphus, eternally pushing his boulder up the hill, only to have it tumble back down.

What was I expecting? Who was I expecting? I directed my thoughts to a logical viewpoint. Would I have reacted any differently if someone else had been behind that mask? Probably not. 

The thought had helped to slow the tears, but they still continued their runny journey. 

A loud noise sounded behind me, from the direction of the door. I instinctly sat up and turned to see what had made the disturbance. Jeanne rushed in, flipping the light on, and came to sit down beside me.

"Eby? Honey, what's wrong?"

Confusion took the place of my thoughts of Fear and I addressed Jeanne. "What are you doing here? I thought you were out with Alexx."

"I was, but he was walking me back to my room, which is closeby, and he said he heard your thoughts in turmoil and that you were crying. I rushed over here as fast as I could. E, what happened?"

Reminded of everything that had happened, the tears began to fall again. "He's Nikolai!" I shouted at her.

Instantly, she understood. Her hand reached out to rub my back. "I know, hon. I know."

In an instant, my sadness sparked to anger. "You knew? And didn't tell me?!"

"E, be reasonable. He would have killed me if I told you."

With a deep sigh, I released my anger at her.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just can't get a grip on my emotions right now."

She wrapped her slender arms around me and held me to her, rubbing circles on my back in an effort to calm me down. I sat there and just sobbed for the hour, until finally, there were no tears left to shed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jeanne asked, breaking the hour long silence. 

I stiffly nodded my head. "I knew it had to be someone, but I can't believe it was it was Nikolai. Am I supposed to just accept that a total stranger is the almighty ruler of Justice, the man who has saved my life countless times, the man who makes me feel like my soul is burning my body from the inside out?"

"Yes," she said with a small smile. I exhaled.

"You're in lov--"

"Don't say it, please. I can't even allow myself to think the thought, let alone put it into words. It's too dangerous."