Translucent

Fourteen

It's the only thing, that's keeping me alive,
And I dragged it on my wrists and thighs.

Whatever happened last night was still freshed in my mind like an open wound. And it was haunting me. It was like I was having another episode. I just needed a stronger dose. I had done damage of my body. Intentionally or unintentionally? I don't know.

I couldn't fall asleep the whole night. The pain in my flash and fear in my bones were keeping me awake all night. All night, I was hearing voices whisper in my ears. They were telling no good. Only pushing me off the edge. Dragging me, dropping me. I tried to block out the voices, but all my attempts were futile. It was only getting louder. I was so devastated by now. Every part of my body was screaming out in pain. I was shaking. And I was curling in on my blanket, cowering in the corner. As the horrible images of last night flashed before my eyes. was I going insane? Was Granny right about me?

Now, my eyes were puffy and red and my face was tears streak. My lips were dry and chapped and my throat was sore. And I was beyond scared. I don't know, what to do? Who to tell? The walls of hope were closing on me. I couldn't see a way of getting out of this. And it was suffocating me.

If Granny would know about this she will rub it on my face, saying 'I told you, now look, what you have gotten yourself into'. I couldn't take the risk of telling her.

But she will have to know eventually. I had shattered the goddamn mirror in the bathroom. Someone had to repair it someday. How come no one heard me punching the mirror. Of course, it had made hell of a noise? Was she a heavy sleeper? Did she know about it already? Certainly no!

Now, the most important thing was, how to keep my wounds hidden from her? My whole body was scarred up. It was hard to hide them all. Especially when they were burning.

My tirade of questions were interrupted, when I heard lock of the door ziggled open. Who's coming?  My eyes widened as I looked at the time in the clock that was hung on the wall. I didn't join Granny at breakfast table. And now she was coming to check up on me. Shit. She can't see me like this. I couldn't let her see me in this state.

Panic set in as I threw the cover off me and jumped off the bed and rushed over toward the wrecked bathroom with cover dragging along with me. There was no way in hell I would let her see the blood stained cover. She will freak out and bombard me with questions. And I was not ready for that. I clenched my eyes shut and bit my lips to suppress the pain from my sudden movement. My skin started burning again. I struggled with lock of the bathroom door as I clicked the lock shut with my trembling hands. And hit the shower on. Water droplets started pouring on the floor, damping it. The sounds of water hitting the floor suppressed my whimpering. I dumbed the stained cover on the dirty bathroom floor.

"Where are you, dear?" I heard Granny asked, when she didn't find me in my room. I composed myself, taking one or two deep breath. Hushing my whimpering.

"I-in th-the shower. Gra-granny." I replied hesitantly, fumbling with my fingers.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

"Yeahhh." I called back. Just leave me alone.

"Then, why didn't you join me at the breakfast table, honey?" How do I respond to that? I gritted my teeth in frustration. I thought harder. Some sensible excuse.

"I was....I was feeling a little low. Yeah, so... I just stayed in bed. I'm sorry, I couldn't join you." I trailed with my little lie. "Sorry to bother you! Why don't you send Stella with my breakfast in the room." Hoping she would leave me alone.

"Okay! I'll send her. But, if you feel 'more than little low', then let me know. Yeah?" I narrowed my eyes. I can sense smirk in her voice instead of concern?

"Yeah!" I blurted out. With that, she left my room as I heard the door click shut. To make sure she's gone, I watched through the keyhole for her. Coast was clear. I sighed in relief.

I took a couple of deep breath through mouth, as I turned my back to door and slid down to sit on the floor. I'm exhausted. I watched, what I did last night. Everything was mess. Shattered pieces of mirror were scattered on the floor and sink. Blood was surrounded them. My shirt had thrown carelessly in the corner with bloody washcloth and some stained cottons. And a ripped off bandage. What I've done. I exhaled loudly. I did all of this. Tears pricked in my eyes once again as I recalled the torturous night. I'm a wreck. I don't want any of it. And now voice had started torturing me.

I carefully stripped off rest of my clothes and tried not to rub any of my wound. I winced every time as I move a muscle. It felt like never-ending pain. How long will It take to heal? I groaned. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve any of it.

I removed the gauges and stared at my red and angry wounds. They were looking terrible. Some of them were pretty deep and hurt mercilessly. My skin was sticky now with dried blood all over my body. I had cuts on my belly too. Why did I do this?  Self-harm! It's not my thing. What is happening to me? Who is making me do all of these? I started crying once again. I just couldn't help it. I had no control over my actions. I was losing it. I was never this weak before.

After shower, I wrapped my wounds and washed the dried blood off the floor, sink and cabinet, and threw the pieces of glasses and washcloth in the dustbin and left the cover and my stained shirt in the bathtub. I turned my gaze to take a look at the mirror or whatever left of it. I sighed and shook my head. Now he wouldn't disturb me anymore. I had gotten sick of seeing him in the mirror instead of my reflection. 

Stella already had put the breakfast on the table in my room. But I was in no mood to have breakfast. The food was making me want to vomit my guts out. So I decided to skip the breakfast as I dumped all food and juice in the trashcan, emptying the plates. I put on some oversized full sleeves top and jeggings. I tried to apply concealer on the black bags under my eyes to hide them. And left the house as quietly as possible. I didn't want Granny to see me like this. The truth was, I didn't want to deal with anyone now. I needed some time to myself. To figure things out.

For the first time since I'd arrived here, I took the car and drove away. I don't want to stay in here anymore. It's making me insane. He's making me insane. I want to escape. I didn't even know where I was going. I just kept going wherever my heart took me. My heart was getting heavy and this unknown fear was weighing me down. The house no longer feels like home. I feel trapped. My eyes started to water as the voice came back and it was getting hard for me to see clear anymore with my blurry vision. I wiped my eyes desperately with my sleeves and tried to focus on the road, but tears just wouldn't stop. My face was damp and the concealer had smudged.

Everything was going wrong. It had started to irritate me. I wanted to take my frustration out somehow. I started crying my heart out in the car. My mind stopped working as I started hitting the steering wheel over and over in an attempt to take this frustration and the voice out of my head. I'm so done.

I had never experienced any of this. But It felt like it had happened before. I'm scared. My body started sweating in spite of this almost cool weather outside. Hairs started sticking on my face. I had no idea what was going on, on the road. I couldn't see clear anymore. So, when I heard sounds of blaring horns, I panicked, and tightened my grip on steering wheel and abruptly turned to the left and my car jumped on clear field beside the busy morning road. I hit the brake somehow with shaking feet. And scearmed out in horror. My heart was beating so fast at that moment that it could break through my ribcage any second. My heart was thuding and my eyes were wide. My knuckles turned white, gripping the steering wheel so tight.

I stayed in the car with my head rested on the steering wheel and started bawling my eyes out. What is happening? I've never asked for this.

I stayed in the same position, cursing myself until I heard a tap on my car window as someone spoke.

"Are you alright Ma'am?"