Translucent

Nine

"But what triggered it dear?"

"I-I....don't kn-know."

Our conversation ended as she finished unfolding last night. I had a panic attack. But why? Her question kept repeating in my head like mantra. What did triggered it?  This is still a mystery to me. I didn't even realize, when did day turned to night. I supposed to be out with Drew right now. But I'm giving myself headache by thinking things over and over.

I didn't know that messing with the mystery boy will lead me to this, where I start question my sanity. Why does he mean to me so much, that I can't stop thinking about him.

Why did he ran away yesterday? Why was he bleeding? What had happened to him in this house? Why isn't Granny telling me about him? All questions revolves around him. He just doesn't leave me. Why does he matter to me this much?

I didn't leave my bed since morning. I just don't feel like coming out of it. It's so confining and warm. But it doesn't feel like home anymore. I heard a pain voice speak in my head. It was the voice of a boy. And I'm definitely sure it's him. I shook my head to keep those words away. Why do I think like that?

I stayed seated in my bed, sheet covering my lower half. Suddenly, I started feeling uncomfortable. An unsettled feeling bubbling in my heart making it hard to breathe. I gulped as I brought my hands up only to find them shaking. But why? Please stop shaking. That voice spoke again but in more pain.

I tapped my hands to prevent them from shaking, but they just couldn't stop. Why are they shaking? My body started sweating. My lips turned dry. My lips quivered. An unsettling fear made my heart beat started beating against my chest, in faster pace. Calm down. That voice again.

"I can't! " I screeched. I started taking large gulp of air through my mouth in pathetic attempt to fill my lungs again. It feels like drowning to my death in the bottom pit. I tried to call out for someone, anyone. But my voice refused me. No word came out. Only gasps. Don't call out for them. They won't help. I tried to shake the voice away. It's refusing me to getting help. They will only make it worse for me.

"Leave me alone" I called back with gritted teeth.

I clutched my arms, almost squeezing my bones and started rocking back and forth. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! STOP!!! That voice kept repeating it in my head In pure horror. A groan escaped my lips as I gritted my teeth. Why does it feels like it has happened before?

Stop panicking, just close your eyes. The voice said in soothing manner. And I obayed without wasting any time. I closed my eyes as tears skipped and slipped down my cheek. But my eyes kept fluttering.

Focus on your breathing, Calm your nerves down. And I did. I unwrapped my hands from around me, but grabbed the sheets in my fist so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I was applying too much pressure. I'm sure, my forearms will be bruised by now. I was holding them in my vice like grip.

Just focus on the clock that's hanging on the wall. Listen to it's clicking sound. I tried to heighten my sense and focus on the clicking sounds of clock. In each second, it clicked. And I counted to it. After forty-three clicking, or forty-three seconds, I managed to calm myself down. It's working.

You're almost there. You're fine. You hear me. Good as always. I nodded to the voice in my head. Shaking died down eventually. I sighed in relief. I slowly opened my teary eyes and turned my gaze to looked at the clock on the wall. I stared at it. The unsettling feeling subsided. My breathing even out. I gulped once more. I unwrapped the sheets for my grip. Brought my hands to wipe the sweat and tears off my face. Now I'm a sweaty mess.

I rose from the bed and dragged my feet to bathroom. I closed the door behind me as I entered. I stripped off my clothes and turned the shower on. I let the water washed me as I curled in on me, bringing my knees close to my chest, wrapping my arms around my knees and resting my head on my knees. I feel safe now. That voice spoke again in just above wishper. I try to ignore it. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. Or maybe my conscious.

I closed my eyes as countless water droplets touching my skin, is giving me a new level of satisfaction. It's massaging my nerves. I let myself sank on the floor of the bathtub. 

I don't know, how long I've been in the shower. I was kinda lost in the sense of droplets connecting with my fragile skin. I didn't realise it until now. I turned the shower off. I dried myself off with the towel and walked over to the sink. I put both of my hands on the sink and glanced at the reflection of mine in the mirror. Whoever is staring back at me is not my reflection. It's the boy with bruises on his forearms, a deep gash on his side of the cheek, dark circles under the eyes and lips busted. I turned my gaze to my forearms and find purple bruises on them. I turned back at him and stared him for a few minutes without breaking eye-contact, not even once he blinked. I chuckled. I couldn't even keep him away from my thoughts. How can I be sane.

"Do I have any connection with you? " I asked to the boy in the mirror. I don't even know what am I doing?

"Why are you in everything I do, anywhere I go, anyone I look at?" I can't believe, I'm talking to a mirror.
"You know, you are becoming the part of my life now." And to my surprise he answered.

"I am the part of your life."

This is complete idiocy, that the mirror image of some boy is talking to me.

I left the bathroom and changed into something comfortable. Now, I'm exhausted again. I have no energy left in me to do anything as simple as pulled the sheets up to my torso. I fell back on the bed and my head hit with the soft fluffy pillow. With one thought in my head, I fell in deep slumber.

"I am the part of your life, now."