Short Stories. #wattys2016

Classic humour.

I watched wide-eyed as Alex came face-to-face, toe-to-toe with his arch-enemy, Vince.

Alex stood before him, watching his every move and every twitch. His opponent wore the classic villain's get-up right down to the last detail; black, satiny suit with a jacket over an immaculate white dress shirt, black, high collared cape with a horse-blood red inner side. Shiny, pointy-toe shoes and last but not least, a sickly pale complexion on a severe face wearing a grim smile.

Alex on the other hand, was dressed in all whites, even his hair was platinum blond. Whereas his opponent's was jet black and slicked backwards with too much hairspray.

Classic.

The two of them stood, unmoving, unblinking, daring the other to strike first.

"You know Alex, it strikes me as awe-inspiring that you should indeed have the guts to face me in battle"
Then he let out a low, evil chuckle "you are just like your father, going out of his way just to make a complete fool of himself " he narrowed blood-shot eyes at Alex "only, your death will be even slower and painful"

Then, like the vampire that he was, he bared his fangs and lunged for Alex's heroic throat. He moved in slow-mo, just for the dramatic effect, you could see the speed lines behind him. Someone had mood music playing in the background complete with terrifying growls and random chanting which was steadily rising to a deafening crescendo. Just as the music was getting to its climax, the same time Vince was inches away from Alex's herioc throat, Alex suddenly put out his palm, stopping him in a deadpan move and bringing the music to a stop with record scratching.

I realize that Vince has been at top speed all this time when he screeched to a halt in front of the out stretched hand. He looked truly confused at this sudden turn of events.

"Whoa whoa whoa dude, what the heck are you doing?"
Alex asked, cocking his head sideways at Vince. "What? You think i was just going to stand there and watch you take a bite off me?"

Vince thought about it for a while before  nodding his head in agreement "well, yes...that's pretty much it"

"Too bad i gotta break it to ya dude"

Dude? What's that?

"I ain't my father and if you haven't noticed, this is the twenty-first century. You can't just waltz outta your old world into this one acting all smug and shit"

Count Vince the fourth, the only surviving vampire since the dark ages (his whole family had had the stake driven through their sorry features, no one apologizes, mind you) had a smirk widen, accepting the challenge.

"And who says i can't?"

"I do. Alex, descendant of Alex the 100th, emperor of Alexandria. Worshipped by the gods and feared by man" and bla, bla, bla...
No really, this family history lecture went on for quite a while. You should be thanking me right now for saving y'all the excruciating details.

The Count looked bored out of his bat mind.

"So...how does all this rambling stop me from killing you?"

"Well for one...i have this and you don't, dude" Alex smiled, flashing impressive pearly whites and a gun, a mini-uzi (which was obviously white, if you haven't thought of it yet).

Count Vince looked truly bored.

"What is that?" he asked in a flat tone.

Alex was pissed off that he had to explain it.
"It's a gun, dude. I mean, who wouldn't know that?"

Count Vince ignored the sarcasm.

"I don't get it, am i supposed to be scared?"

Alex was near mad, the stupid vampire was ruining his glory moment but then he collected himself, choosing to act cool so as not to give his opponent the satisfaction of seeing him angry.

"We'll see about that"

He raised his white gun, again in slow-mo, and pointed it right at Count Vince's pale forehead. You could hear the theme song in the background, a racy tune, replete with clashing cymbals. Then just as he was about to pull the trigger, the Count sighed dramatically and said,

"Vampires only get murdered with stakes. Not with your...fancy toy" and rolled his eyes for effect.

"Now you die"

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

Count Vince sighed wearily.
"I told you, didn't i?"

Alex was flabbergasted, the bullets did not even penetrate the sick bat's head!
"Wh-what? But this is modern technology, guns over stakes  right?"

The Count shrugged.

"Right?"

Alex pressed, turning to me for help.

I chose to ignore him, studying my nails like i would for a final exam.

Seeing poor Alex's sorry face lit up Count Vince, putting him in blood-sucking vampire mode.

"Now you die!"

He said, lunging at Alex's heroic throat. No mood music this time and no dramatic slow-mo.

Crunch!

It was a good aim.

The end.