True story

Im an idiot

So here's a new perspective. Everything is going wonderful. I love her . I finally got the balls to ask her out and behold me I have a girlfriend. Enough of the back story.
This evening she sadly received the news of the critical state of which her grandmother is in. She spoke to me and it was like it was myself reciting the trauma of the passing of my granddad . Right now I don't know If she's crying . I pray not. But I am . That doesn't phase me , call me what you want . I have heard it before and can take double the dose. Reason. I can't help her . I'm meant to be her fucking boyfriend . To protect her . Make her happy . Yet without being trailed for more that a week I have let her Down . Have I ? I don't know . But I know I feel like I have .

So I'm retarded. Not literally but I might as well be . After awaking early this morning I have been like an officer at his post , constantly checking for signs of life. I have had 5 hours sleep from last night and I want to be up for if she needs me . I'm scrolling through Instagram waiting for the snap chat , we said we were going to talk in the morning. There's a section on Instagram where you can see what others have liked . 'Liked 2h ago' . Stunned as the flood gates of thoughts opened. Why hasn't she replied ? Does she not like me ? Have I made it worse? Yet the only reason these questions are pouring through my mind is because I'm actually a spastic (no offence of course to those who suffer with such illness bless there souls). She doesn't want to talk about the incident frequently , and that would be the first thing I would ask her about. The reason why I'm an idiot is because I was so caught up in what I wanted , even though it was to check she was okay , it still meant that I would be talking about the thing she didn't want to talk about . I felt like I could relate to her and when I lost my grandad last year all wanted was someone to talk to about it. Like me she feels the need to be strong for her siblings and family , much like I did . So I figured if she going through the same thing she would want the same as I did. Flawless plan right ? No because she not me . She 1000x better if that. I was so focused on helping her I managed to do the opposite . As you can probably tell this has lead to an awful lot of frustration. Like I said this idea of her perspective instead of mine wasn't in play last night . If anything I fear I have pushed her away due to my naive approach to the situation. Can explain this to her now ? Nope of corse not . But part of me doesn't want to . She needs to spend time with family. I need to stop being so selfish . I think this is a newly found fear of mine . I'm scared . Of not having the ability to think out of my perspective sometimes . But the worst of my new found fears is not being able to do anything. I'm am truly helpless. I don't plan on sleeping but tonight. Last night I waited an hour . In my narrow vision I figured that she wouldn't cry for an hour without messaging me so that meant she must be asleep . Even typing this I feel foolish for having such thoughts. But I will do the same tonight , even if she doesn't message me , I will stay up till 3 or as late a possible. I will be there when she needs me . That I have promised myself that . I just hope she knows I care you know. Maybe one day she will find this and know . Anyway I must return to my post of refreshing snap chat and waiting on any news. I hope I haven't scared her off. I love her . She must know I care right ?