Shooting Star

Chapter Forty-Three

1977

"Hey, there, Taylor." Potter said, strutting up to me, sitting down and draping his arm over my shoulders.
"Hello, Potter." I didn't look up from my book.
"What do you say we--"
"No." I didn't know what he was wanting, but I didn't want to do it.
Sirius, who was leaning his chair back on its back legs with his feet kicked up on the table, arm crossed, smirked.
"You don't even know what I was going to say." James said.
"Nope. But I don't want to."
"I was just gonna ask if you wanted to go to Hogsmaede."
"I don't."
"Well, fine. Be that way. What about you, Padfoot?"
"Can't. Studying." Sirius said.
"You aren't studying."
"I'm watching the master at work." He gestured to me.
"No you're not. You're trying to--"
"I must say," Sirius interrupted hastily. I gave him a weird look. "I'm a tad offended you didn't ask me first, Prongsie."
"She's better company." James shrugged.
"Why? Because she'll snog you?" Sirius smirked.
"You wish." I said.
"Hell yeah." James laughed.
"Sirius, you said you'd study." I said. "You aren't studying. Why don't you go with him?"
"You're a better view." He shrugged.
I shot him a dirty look. What ever. "Then open up a book."
"You two have fun 'studying,' all right?" James tugged on my hair, grinning as he stood back up. "See you."
"Pick up a book, Black." I said.
"I'd rather look at you." He smirked.
"Someone's a little Romeo, isn't he?" I glared. "You could at least have the decency to look at me over the book."
He grudgingly picked up the book I slid over to him. He watched it stonily.
"Are you all right, Sirius?" I finally asked.
"Fine. Why?" He asked gruffly.
"Just curious. I mean, it's kind of hot outside for a jacket, don't you think...?" I prompted.
He gave me a sort of surprised look, but quickly covered it with a smile. "Oh, Taylor. I assure you it's only so hot because of my existence."
"I'm sure." I said as Remus came and sat beside me, pushing Sirius' feet and making him fall backwards. He and I laughed as Sirius scrambled up.
"That was not very nice, Lupin." Sirius glowered as he rose.
"That's all right." Remus smiled as he picked up a book. "Have you been studying?"
"Yep. Very hard. Really hitting these books." Sirius said.
"He picked up a book because I said he had to." I told Remus. "Don't worry; it's not the end of the world."
Sirius paid far more attention now that Remus was here.
"Are you ill, Remus?" I asked eventually after he'd fallen asleep for the second time.
"Nope. I'm good." Remus sat up. "Just tired. Sorry."
"Why don't you get some rest?" Sirius suggested, actually looking like he cared about something.
"I think I will." Remus agreed. He kissed my cheek and grabbed his book, standing. "See you, Eliza, Padfoot."
"Bye." We said.
"Is he ill?" I asked Sirius, knowing full well Remus wouldn't tell me if he was.
"I dunno." Sirius said, leaning back in his chair again. "Do you want to go on a walk, Taylor?"
"Go on a walk...?" I asked, as if he was speaking a foreign language. I was mentally running through reasons why Sirius Black would want to go on a walk, but couldn't come up with any.
"Yeah, Taylor. A walk."
"What's the trick?" I asked skeptically.
"No trick." He smiled a bit, but quickly returned to his normal, expressionless face. "Just a walk. Unless you want something else." He winked at me.
"All right, Black. Let's go for a walk, then." I agreed.
We made our way in silence through the bustling halls and outside. I kept my eyes on my feet, the silence uncomfortable. When I smelled cigarette smoke, I looked up. "What the hell?" I demanded.
"What?" He looked up from the ground himself, looking around for something to explain my sudden outburst.
"Since when did you smoke?"
"Since third year."
"Well, stop! There are faster ways to kill yourself."
He gave me that same surprised look as earlier when I'd called him out on his long sleeves. "Who says that's what I'm trying to do?"
"What? You think that just because you're all big and bad and hard means nobody sees through it? Put it out."
His face closed off and he took another drag. "I think it's time for dinner, isn't it?" He said, and turned on his heel.
I grabbed his hand to stop him. "Sirius, please--" I cut off as his sleeve came up a bit and I saw what it was hiding.
He looked down at my hand and then up into my eyes. "Yes?" He said cooly.
"Why won't you let anybody help you?" I asked quietly, probably squeezing his hand just a little too tightly.
"Because I don't need help. I'm fine. Shall we?" He jerked his hand from mine and started walking back towards the castle.
"Sirius." I sighed, half jogging to keep up with his long strides.
"Stop."
"Well, you learn something new every day. Who would've thought Sirius Black had actual feelings?" I said.
"What's new, Taylor? Always seeing the best in people. On the contrary, though, I do not have feelings. I'm utterly emotionless."
"All right, then. You can tell people that, but I know your secret."
"I've no emotions. No secret there."
"Sirius--" I began again.
"Taylor."
I turned him around and hugged him. He just kind of stood there tensely. "I'm not letting you go until you hug me back." I informed him.
So he hugged me back. He gave really good hugs, actually. They were tighter than I expected. I should have expected just this, with him being so strong and whatnot, but you know.
We went into the Great Hall for dinner. I sat down beside Lily, across from James, and Sirius sat as far from me as possible.
That night, I found myself reading in the common room with Remus' arm around me as he read over my shoulder. James sat in a chair across from us. Lily, Sirius and Peter had gone to bed already, I guess. I hadn't noticed them leave.
"Does Sirius smoke?" I asked suddenly.
James said nothing. He would lie his ass off if Sirius asked him to. Remus wouldn't, though. "Yeah. Why?" He said.
"Since third year?" I continued.
"Yes." James said. "The summer before."
"And nobody's tried to stop it in these three years?" I demanded.
"You think we haven't?" James said.
"And are you aware what he does?"
"Sirius does a lot of things." James twiddled with his robes.
"Which thing are you talking about?" Remus asked.
"He..." I tried to think of a not bad way to put it.
"What did you see?" Remus had pulled away from me a little bit to look at me.
"His arm." I said.
"Does Sirius know you know?" James asked.
"Yes. That's why he's been so moody."
"And here I was, thinking it was just that time of the month again." James said, shaking his head.
"How'd you manage to find that out?" Remus asked, rolling his eyes at James.
"I grabbed his hand."
"Just... Don't bring it up. He'll get over it and then life can go back to normal." James said.
"Don't bring it up? But--"
"It won't do any good to preach. He doesn't do it here, anyways. Only at home." Remus said. "Are you tired, Liza?"
"No. But Sirius--"
"If you're so worried, go talk to him. We all know he isn't actually asleep." James said.
"You just told me to--"
"It just pisses him off and makes him uncomfortable to talk about it. He won't get mad at you."
"He's been mad at me all day."
"He's not mad at you. Just go, Taylor. I, for one, don't want to go up there to a moody Sirius."
"Fine." I huffed, and went up the stairs.
The light over Sirius' bed was on, and I was hit with the smell of smoke as soon as I opened the door. Peter was asleep.
"Are you kidding me?" I demanded. "Are you trying to kill Peter too?"
"I put up a barrier. You should knock before you come in, Taylor. I could have been naked or masturbating. Or both."
I forced myself to go into the room, already regretting my decision, already uncomfortable. He has that effect on people, doesn't he? "Sirius, look--"
"No, you look. The only reason I haven't put a bloody bullet through my brain is because I promised James and his bloody family I wouldn't. So you can--"
I snatched the cigarette from his hand and dropped it on the floor, stomping on it.
"I have an ashtray." He said, grabbing a jacket from the bedpost and starting to pull it on.
I sat down on the side of his bed so that he couldn't put it on without hitting me.
"Could you move, please?" He said sharply.
And then I started to cry. I didn't mean to.

Sirius lowered his arm, trying not to change his expression. He said nothing, not having the faintest idea of what to say to the crying girl in his bed. "Normally that isn't the reaction girls have to being in bed with me. I've had some screaming, but never crying." He finally said, trying to force out any emotions.
"Sirius Black, you selfish bastard." She choked out.
He tried to ignore his racing heart, tried to tell himself that he needed her to think him just that so she would leave.
She pressed her lips together, putting her hand on her forehead.
"W-why are you crying?" He cursed himself for stuttering. There's no reason to be nervous, dumbass. He told himself.
"You!"
"M-me?" Again? Bloody hell. He wondered what's gotten into him, that he would be speechless towards anybody. He knew what it was, but he wasn't willing to admit to it.
"We love you, Sirius."
She loves me? It felt like his heart stopped. He knew that wasn't what she was saying, but that's what he heard. She was talking still, but that same thought continued racing through his mind. He felt his face heat up and had never been more angry with himself.
"I'm sorry, what?" He said when her lips stopped moving.
"Were you not listening?"
"No, I'm sorry. I--" He cut off, remembering that there was no reason to explain himself to her, and that he wanted her out.
"Good. Come here." She said.
He found himself moving forward. He thought she was going to kiss him, and he was convinced he was going to have a heart attack.
She didn't kiss him. She hugged him, and he found himself hugging her back without a second thought. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm so sorry."