Shooting Star

Chapter Thirty-Six

"What do you need?" Remus asked, appearing in the living room. I'd sent him an owl telling him to come here. "I have to pee. Can I pee first?"
"Sure." I said, watching Harry play on the little broom Sirius had gotten him before James and Lily died.
"What'd Sirius do?" He called from the bathroom.
"Long story." I called back.
He came back out. "Much better. Do tell."
So I told him.
"Sirius did what?" He asked.
I nodded. "Crucio'd his cousin. Yes."
"Not that she didn't deserve it."
"Oh, she deserved it. But still. That's an Unforgivable Curse."
"Yeah." He agreed, sitting on the couch. "I see why you'd be upset."
"Upset? No. Upset doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm angry, and I'm frightened--"
"You don't need to be frightened, Eliza." He said. "Sirius wouldn't hurt you or Harry."
"I don't care. They could have killed Harry. Sirius could have killed them--"
"But he didn't."
"No, he didn't. He wanted them to suffer. That's almost worse."
"Almost is the key word."
"Don't defend him. You agree with me."
"Yes." He sighed. "So, what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"About Sirius."
"Nothing. He'll come home, and be an emotional wreck, and everything'll be all right again."
"He's always an emotional wreck."
"Yeah, I know." I laughed.
"He'll be all right." Remus said as I collapsed in a chair, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them. "Don't be scared of Sirius."
"I'm not. If I had thought there'd be any reason for me to be, I wouldn't have married him."
"True."
"Thank you for coming."
"Of course."
"Moony! Watch me!" Harry said happily, zooming around on the broom.
"I'm watching!" Remus smiled. "He won't go back to Grimmauld Place." He added quieter to me.
"I know. I don't want him to. I just..."
"Yeah."
"You know he's never going to forgive himself for what Bellatrix said about Mr. and Mrs. Potter." I said.
"Yeah." He said quietly.
It's sad. All he ever wanted to do was to do right by them, and now he's supposedly the cause of their deaths.
"He probably is upset about his mother." Remus said.
"Yeah, I know." I sighed.
"And you sent him away."
"Remus!"
"Sorry."
"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked.
"Might as well." He laughed.
Sirius came home less than an hour later. "Hey, Moony." He said quietly as Harry came up and hugged his legs.
"Hey, Padfoot." Remus watched him carefully.
"Can I stay with you, Remus?" Sirius asked, ruffling Harry's hair. "Hey, kiddo." He smiled at him, lifting him up and hugging him while I watched warily.
I knew there was no need for that to stress me out. Sirius would never hurt Harry, and he was obviously stable enough to mess around with him.
"Yeah, sure. Of course. Um. Wanna go on a walk, Harry?" Remus asked.
Harry wriggled from Sirius' arms as he nodded vehemently.
I stood against the wall, staring at Sirius, arms crossed. "Why are you staying with Remus?" I asked as Remus and Harry walked out.
"I put Harry in danger. I put you in danger." His hands shook, and he shoved them in his pockets.
"Don't be overdramatic, Sirius." I sighed.
"I'm not!"
"You aren't staying with Remus."
"I'm sorry, Eliza." Sirius said.
"Why are you home early?" I didn't want his apologies.
"They said I was emotionally unstable and to take today and tomorrow off."
"Good. You can help me school Harry."
"Eliza, please." His voice cracked. "I'm sorry. Please, just tell me it's okay."
"That's an Unforgivable Curse." I said quietly.
"I know. I know. I'm sorry, Eliza."
"I told you not to, Sirius. I warned you. You still did it."
"I'm sorry. But they left, didn't they?"
"I don't care! There were better ways to do that!"
He was shaking. "I know. I'm sorry. Eliza, please." He sat down on a chair, bringing his hand up and clutching his chest. "I'm sorry, Eliza. Please. I'm sorry."
I said nothing, just crossed my arms and watched him. I was scared. I was terrified. I was angry.
"Please." He choked out. "I can't... I..."
"Sirius." I sighed.
"I screwed up." He pulled his hands through his hair. "I screwed up so bad. It's my fault. I..."
"Are you talking about James' parents, Sirius? That's not your fault. You didn't kill them."
"They were killed because of me. It's my fault. It's all my fault." He let out a pained noise.
"It isn't your fault, Sirius." I repeated.
"It's my fault. It's all my fault." He stared at the floor. "I'm sorry, Eliza. Please forgive me."
He doesn't even care that he used a bloody Unforgivable Curse? I mean, I see why he'd be upset about that, but...
Of course, I'm sure he's accustomed to those, given his family.
I perched on the arm of his chair and put my arm around him. I shouldn't be scared. I kissed his head as he leaned into me. "I'll go to Remus'. I'm sorry, Eliza. I shouldn't have done that."
"No, you shouldn't have." I agreed.
"James would hate me." He said hollowly.
"No he wouldn't. It wasn't your fault, Sirius."
"I hate her."
"Who?" Surely he's not going to say that about his mother. Not now.
"Bellatrix. Bitch."
"Yeah, she is a bit." I agreed.
He dropped his head into my lap. "I killed them." He whispered.
"Sirius?"
"What?"
"Shut up."
He looked up at me. "What?"
"It isn't your bloody fault. Did you personally go carve them open?" I said. It didn't even register that I shouldn't have said it like that.
"They were... Carved?"
"No." I said quickly. "Anyways."
"Oh, Merlin." He sucked in a breath. "Oh, Merlin."
"Sirius, I'm sorry. I--"
"No. No it's okay. I'm fine." He said as he hyperventilated.
I stood up from the edge of the chair and he reached for me. I took his hand and pulled him up from the chair. I wrapped my arms around him, and he held his breath for a moment before taking a slow, deep breath.
All he ever wanted to do was make James and his family proud. Now he's blaming himself for all three of their deaths.
"I love you, Sirius." I whispered.
"Thank you." He said, his voice shaking.
"What, Black? You don't love me to?" I pulled away casually.
"I do." He smiled. "And I'm so lucky too. You maybe less so, but."
"Oh, no. I'm lucky." I smiled.