Let You Go

Chapter 27

Mom fell asleep before the movie was even over. Ryder looked ready to pass out himself as he sat on the hard floor. I saved him and told him he didn't have to stay. I was going to spend most of the night with my mom. But he was an amazing boyfriend and offered to help me clean things up.

"You're a good kid," Ryder nudged my hip as we washed the dishes, "you didn't even wait, you dropped everything to save her."

I wiped away a tear, "she needed me. It's always me and my mom against the world."

"Yeah. It always has been. But now you two have me," he offered me a small smile and for a moment the pain of my father abandoning us a second time disappeared. He made me believe not all men were the same. I realized how truly special he was, "and I'm always going to be here for both of you. I promise, you can lean on me."

My heart hurt as I stood there with Ryder. He was my person, I knew he wouldn't judge me for how I felt. I bit my lip as Ryder kept drying the dishes and I felt the bottle I had sealed up when I got home open. It exploded in my chest, heat rose to my cheeks. That knot I thought had disappeared throbbed angrily. But this time it wasn't there because of Aimee.

I threw down the towel I was wiping my hands with. Ryder's eyes were full of concern as he looked at me. My eyes filled with tears, "how could he just leave? Why would he just push himself back into our lives, and then walk out? It's not fair, Ry. It's not fair that he isn't here to feel our pain."

He pulled me into his chest as I fell apart. I buried my face in his shirt as the tears started to fall. He held me tightly as my knees gave out and I fell slowly to the floor. He slid down onto the tiles beside me. Ryder's hand was on the back of my head, trying to soothe me.

"I don't know," Ryder answered, "I don't know how anyone could meet you two, a beautiful family stitched together with so much love, gain acceptance into it and then leave it without a second thought. I wish I could give you the answer you need, but I can't. I'm sorry sweetheart."

I let out a slow breath as he wiped away a tear. I gained control over the sobs as I looked at him, "I'm such a mess. How do you deal with me?"

He laughed, "because you're my mess and I love you."

I let him soothe me, his thumb running circles on my back. He was so solid, so strong and I knew I could count on him no matter what. I hated my father, because I wanted someone like Ryder for my mother. I wanted her to have someone when I wasn't here. She's always been so strong, so independent. For once I want someone else to do the heavy lifting. I wanted her to be taken care of, not doing the care taking.

I leaned into Ryder, feeling selfish and special all at once. Because I had found what my mom had been searching for her entire life. I had someone who looked at me like I hung the stars in the sky and I wasn't even twenty years old. How was that fair? She was thirty five. She should've gotten as lucky as I was. She was an even better person than me. She fought everyone because she wanted to keep me.

My mother loved me before I was even a thought in her mind and for that I would always defend her. For that I would always put her first.

I closed my eyes and sighed, Ryder pressing a kiss to the top of my head. God he was too good for me. Way too good. And yet I knew I would do everything I could to make sure I never let him go.

We were still sitting on the floor when the phone rang. I opened my eyes and reached for it as I got control over the sobs that were escaping my chest, "hello?"

The last person I thought I would ever hear from again was on the other end, "Cash."

I didn't answer him right away, red flashed before my eyes. My mom was upstairs crying herself to sleep because this man had broken her heart for the second time in her short life. I thought of all the terrible things I could say to him. I thought of all the mean words that could hurt him the way he had hurt us. I didn't open my mouth, I stayed quiet as Ryder's eyes held mine. I knew he was worried, but I had control over myself.

"Cash are you there?"

"So I see you're still too much of a coward to stick around when the feelings come out. So you bail on the two people who will always be your family and then call to check up on us? Well guess what dad," I threw the word out as an insult, "we aren't your family anymore. So don't come back, don't ever come back into our lives."

There was venom in my words. I could feel the anger seething out of me as I held the phone so tightly I was sure my knuckles turned white. I decided right then with the phone pressed up to my ear if anyone was going to protect my mother, it would be me. She spent her life devoting herself to me as a child, making sure I had the love of two parents even when I only had her. I would fight for her no matter who I ended up against. Because she was my mother, my best friend.

The other end of the line was quiet. I wondered if he had hung up. After a few minutes my father sighed, "I'm sorry Cash. Tell your mother I'm sorry for me."

"No. You broke her heart nineteen years ago when you left. I won't tell her you called here, I won't let you ever see her again. Because you broke her heart for the last time," a tear slipped down my cheek, "as far as I'm concerned I don't have a father."

I knew it was harsh, but I had spent all night beside my mother. She had cried in her sleep, she pulled me into her arms. She had been a completely different person. She had always been so strong and so alive. Last night she scared me, in her bed crying because she had given herself to someone who threw her away the same way he had all those years ago. I would protect her this time. I wouldn't let him hurt her ever again.

I hung up the phone as he started to talk again. I threw it on the floor as Ryder wrapped his arms around me. He pressed a kiss to my temple, his shirt stained with my tears. But I let him hold me as I cried for the loss of my father, for the loss of everything I never thought would ever leave me. It was strange, to mourn a dream you never realized you had. It was even worse to realize you wanted it more than anything else in the world, until it was taken away.

I wasn't sure how long we stayed on the kitchen floor. At some point Ryder scooped me up in his arms and carried me back up to my mom's room. He tucked me in beside her, pushing my hair out of my face. He pressed a kiss to my tear stained cheeks and I grabbed the front of his shirt. I kissed him softly, trying to tell him how important he was to me.

"Please don't ever leave me," I whispered as if he could make all the pain go away by promising to be better than all the people who've ever come into my life and walked away without a second thought. I didn't need him to promise me to be better than my father, because I already knew that he was.

His crooked smile was small, but it eased the heartache in my chest, "I'm not going anywhere, pretty girl. I promise you that."

I closed my eyes, my fingers letting go of his shirt. I heard him whisper more sweet words into my ear as I curled up beside my mom and I fell asleep wondering when my life would finally stop falling apart.