Sixteen

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

16

I don't even know if this is the worst birthday I've had so far.

I think I expected a lot, only to be let down by the impression that people could give less of a shit about me.
At least that's what she says.

I have no idea how I've held it in all day, my acting is getting great.
She's getting worst.

Morning started out kinda rough.

I got to my first hour and I think I was expecting them to scream out happy birthday or at least sing the song. Instead the shouts were replaced by barely audible whispers and them asking where the food was at. Now don't get me wrong I love food as much as the next person, but it hurts when you think it's your day and that's all the person seems to be focused on. So then they convinced me to text my mother to ask her to bring cupcakes for my 'friends' and I.

Second hour noona at least said happy birthday. The other acquaintances I had  didn't even bother with me.

Third hour I was expecting punches from a queer and a queen. Instead I got awkward over talking conversation between them. Even after I showed them the messages from noona that said 'happy birthday you rat' they said nothing. What is even more hilarious is that I've known them since they were in 8th grade and I in 7th. But even they didn't bother with me.

Up until lunch no one was really willing to talk to me. It was only until I brought out the cupcakes that my mother brought, that everyone seemed to 'remember' that it was my birthday.
She predicted this, but I was hopeful and didn't believe her.
Not even my cousin remembered my birthday, he was originally not even planning to go to the party Sunday. He agreed out of guilt. I had at least two others wish me a happy birthday.

The rest didn't bother with me either.

Even after they saw the birthday cupcakes I was carrying around. Not even some of the kids I was friends with last year, or should I say a couple months ago. They didn't bother.

It's tough not being one of the well known kids in school. Why do they get the special treatment? They get balloons brought to them, the whole class sings for them. Why not me? I can't help but think they all either really dislike me or after 3 years they still haven't noticed me. That's great.
She's taking over again. Sorry.
And that's it. There's nothing really happy about this birthday. It's just a birthday even after I got what I wanted for dinner I wasn't happy. Happy doesn't even faze me anymore. There's random moments when something is funny. But that's not happiness, that's only the humor I find in the situation nothing more.

This whole day I felt like I was forced to smile and say thank you. My normal 'social' self was replaced with fake smiles instead of actually replying. This whole day felt forced I actually want to go back to being 15. There's nothing special about it but at least things weren't forced.
She won't stop.
Now I can only hope that sunday will be okay. No not 'better' but okay. I've been wishing too long for things to be better.